Dear Eminem

(High pitched, squeaky voice): Will the real Scott Thompson please stand, up please stand up. Oh dear, I think we're gonna have a problem here.

Dear Eminem, I still haven't heard back from you but that's ok I understand you cause I do it, too. I'm *always* on the road like Tom Joad¹. I expect I'll be hearing from you pretty soon though, because I included a self-addressed envelope, along with some stamps, and just in case, I also put in my e-mail address, he doesn't know it yet.com. I still think you're the bomb. Anyway, I'm still with Vince--Oh that's right, you haven't met him! If we ever adopt a special needs mixed race child, we're gonna name him Eminem. So, *WAASSUP!*

I hear you're divorcing Kim. Good. I always thought you looked better with him. Dre completes you, in the middle is where he meets you. I bet he had you at 'yo.' Dude, it's so rare to meet a black man that sticks around. Believe me I know. Hang on to him Marshal. Everybody says I'm a dope for loving you like I do! They say they say you're homophobic, I say you're not.

Sincerely yours, your *biggest* gay fan,
Scott

CHORUS: You're so angry all the time, I just don't see the point. Even when I see your photos, you always got a scowl. Even if I could be as close as Dre, would you ever smile at all. This concerns me, are you straight or gay, straight or gay?

Dear mister 'I've gotten a little too big for my britches', well here it is one month later and still no letter. It-it's not really me--it's for my mother. She thinks we'd look good together. I think you'd look good in leather, that's just me though.

Hey, remember that night you didn't play Madison Square? My mum and I were there. *Thanks!* She got a cold after that, I hope you get *fat*! I love you Marshal but I hate you Slim. Vince is *so* jealous of you. He doesn't understand that it's true, that rappers *can* be gay--wwwell not gay like *gay*-gay, but like '*dude!* That shirt is so gay!' Sometimes I think to myself, what if you were ugly, would I still be in love with you like I am? Or am I that shallow? *Damn!*

Anyway, let me just wrap up yet another letter that you won't return, of course, by saying that I was rooting for Britney at the MTV awards.

Love,
Scott.

Oh! PS, tell *Nursey Dre* that Elton and George send their love. (kissy noise)

CHORUS: You're so angry all the time, I just don't see the point. Even when I see your photos, you always got a scowl. Even if I could be as close as Dre, would you ever smile at all. This concerns me, are you straight or gay, straight or gay?

Dear mister 'I'm too hardcore to come out of the closet cause I don't wanna lose my street-cred with the homies, but inside I'm just an nsync lovin little giiirl!' I can no longer continue with this one sided relationship Marshal, and I have therefore decided that this is the last you will ever hear from me.

*No* I'm not gonna kill myself you idiot! I killed my boyfriend Vince. Yeah I did! I guess I just got sick and tired of defending your *fat ass*, and, so, I-I *beat* him to death with the juicer!

VINCE: Hey-a pumpkin, I'm home I-uh-

*Vince!* Shut sh--would you please get out of here, I'm recording. Dinner's in the oven just put in the microwave okay?

VINCE: Alright.

Okay he's *not* dead, but he could be I'm that angry! I just drank a fifth of carrot juice-- dare me to drive?! W-well I would, but I can't drive stick. *Mother* tells me that I should just walk away! You know, like that song by the Bangles 'Walk Like an Egyptian'?--But without the Egyptian part.

Let me *tell* you something *Mr. Mathers*, you'd better watch it Beave! Cause you could *easily* get fat. O-o-oh you're skinny *now*, because you're young, but you'll get fat. Oh trust me! And I can't wait for that day, I can't wait to hear your duet with Peebo Brison[sp?], or see you at one of those Indian casinos. Slim *Shady*? Yeaaah, more like *fat* shady you *faaatty*! You are so fat!!

[choked up] I hate you. I *love* you! I hate you. I love you I hate you I love you I hate you! I love you I hate you I love you. Vince?

CHORUS: You're so angry all the time, I just don't see the point. Even when I see your photos, you always got a scowl. Even if I could be as close as Dre, would you ever smile at all. This concerns me, are you straight or gay, straight or gay?

Contributor

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• ¹Correction by