Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[The Kids in the Hall are attending a press conference, seated at a long table. The press is in front of them.]
- Each Kid plays himself
- Dave: Claude Drole
- Several members of the press
Mark: Hi. We're the "Kids in the Hall." I'm Mark. This is Dave. Bruce. And Scott.
Kevin: And Kevin.
Woman Reporter: So, what's next for the four of you?
Kevin: Five of us.
Bruce: Well, I guess we're just gonna take it easy for a while, Mark, Dave, Scott, and I.
Kevin: And Kevin. I'm here. There's five of us. . .They love me in France.
[Cut to a classroom like set. There is a desk and blackboard. Dave is dressed "French," smoking a cigarette.]
Dave: Hello. And, welcome to zee "We Love Him in France Fesival." My name iz Claude Drole and tonight we pay tribute to a comedian extraodinaire--Kevin McDonald, or as he is known and beloved in France, Le Poupee. Now, you may be wondering what le poupee means. Well, roughly translated it means "the poupee." Now here is Le Poupee at home demonstrating some of his priceless physical comedy.
[Cut to Kevin in washroom, shaving. He cuts himself.]
Kevin: Oh! Ow! Oh. Oh-hoh-oh! [falls to floors] Ah, ah, ah! The! Pain!
[Cut back to Dave.]
Dave: Last summer we invited Le Poupee to play at the world famous Paris Opera House.
[Cut to sequence. Accordian music plays.]
[Sequence: Kevin, with a bottle of wine in his arm, walks in front of Eiffel Tower. Kevin, with cheese and french bread passes another site. Passes another with a camera, and takes photo of audience. Passes L'arc de Triumphe on bike with bread in the basket.]
[Cut to Dave.]
Dave: The 20,000 seat theatre sold out within an hour. Anticipation ran very high.
[Cut to theatre. On stage is a table and chair set up as a restaurant. A plate of spaghetti is on the table.]
[Le Marseillaise plays as Kevin enters.]
Kevin: Bonjour. A bienvenue au spectacle! [at table] Ah! Spaghetti! La, la, la. [twirls spaghetti with fork, continues la la las The crowd laughs hysterically. Kevin finally finishes twirling and lifts up fork to discover a big ball of spaghetti on it.] Zut alors!
[cut to Dave.]
Dave: When performing a joke zee average comedian, a Jay Leno or a Louie Anderson, they would go from point "A"--zee setup, straight to point "B"--zee punchline. And, yes! They would be rewarded with a laugh for what zat iz worth. But! Le poupee. Le poupee would go from point "A"--zee setup, and take a lovely drive down to zee woods, where he would perhaps stop to feed zee ducks or maybe take a dip in zee lake to refresh himself.
[Cut to Kevin. He is at the table, holding his shoe to his ear and pressing the toe as if it were a phone receiver.]
Kevin: Allo? Allo? [sighes] Pas de personne.
[Cut to Dave.]
Dave: And then! He would jump back in zee comedy car and he would drive around completely bypassing point "B" and ending up at zee infidently unpopular point "C" simply because zee baguettes are fresher and less expensive.
[Cut to Kevin, with the plate of spaghetti overturned on his head.]
Kevin: Je ne retournerai jamais au restaurant encore.
Kevin: [stands] Merci. [throws kisses] Bonsoir!
[Cut to Dave.]
Dave: To sum up: Le poupee would not slip on a banana peel for a laugh. No. He would slip on it because he did not see it.
And a program note. Tomorrow night's tribute to Pauley Shore has been cancelled. As it turns out they actually love him in America. C'est incroyable! Merci et bon nuit.
[Cut back to press conference.]
Woman Reporter: How come there are only four of you?
Man Reporter: Did you used to have a fifth member?
Kevin: They still do.
Woman Reporter: What *is* that annoying squeaking sound?
Kevin: That's me.
MarK: Oh, okay. Thank you for all your great questions. Un, but I'm afraid we have to go. We have a press conference.
Kevin: I, however, will answer all your questions. I have lots and lots of time. So, please any ques. . .
[Waiter comes over to Kevin with the check.]
Kevin: . . .tions. . .you . . . do. . .You're the one that can see me? [looks at the bill] Fucking Kids in the Hall. "Join the troupe. Join the troupe. . ."