Theo the Teacher

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Colie Morris
Cast: [The scene takes place in a classroom. The students are talking as Dave walks in with a guitar.]

Dave: Hi kids. Hi, how are you? Good afternoon. Im going to be your new English teacher this year. And my name [points to the chalk board with THEODORE BARONS written on it] is Mr. Theodore Barons. But I want you all to call me [erases board except for THEO and underlines it] Theo. Because that's what my friends call me, and that's what I want us to be, friends. Ok? So I'm just going to relax, alright? I'm just gonna, tell you what, I'm going to loosen this noose a little. In fact, I'm going to take it right off. Because there's no ties in this classroom. What do you say? No ties in this classroom.

[Mark looks dissapointed as he takes his tie off.]

Dave: Great! It's just I've been under alot of stress lately. I, I've recently gone through kind of an ugly divorce. Ya know my, my wife and I, we had sort of a, ya know an open relationship. And uh, I could never quite find the right time and the right words to tell her that we did. So anyway, when she found about our little understanding quite by accident one night, well, I guess you can understand it's left me a little bit scared. Is anyone here gay? Anyone in the class gay? Anyone?

[Class turns around and stares at Mark]

Dave: Do we have any gay students? Because I mean it's one in ten, the odds are somebody in here is gay, eh? Wha' no one here is gay? No one at all?

[Mark is spazzing and looking as if he is having a seizure.]

Dave: Well that seems pretty odd. Let's have a look here [looks in his grade book] Uhhhhhhhmmm, what about you Stephen? [Points at Kevin] Aren't you gay?

Kevin: No I'm not Theo.

Dave: C'mon Steve it's ok.

Kevin: I'm not gay Theo, but please don't scream bullshit at me.

Dave: Stephen, everybody here knows that you're gay.

Scott: Yeah.

Kevin: But I'm not, I'm not gay.

Dave: Steve, I know what your problem is. You're worried about how these people are going to respond. You're worried about maybe loosing friends, maybe your girlfriend, isn't that right Linda?

Bruce: [turns head away] I had no idea.

Kevin: Linda, I'm not gay!

Bruce: Let's not drag this out Stephen, or should I say Steph Ann?

Dave: Linda, you're doing the right thing. You've gotta let Stephen go, let him find himself, let him come to terms with his own sexuality.

Kevin: But I'm not gay Theo.

Dave: And Linda, I know how hard this is going to be for you. I know hat you might find yourself some night confused, lonely, needy, drunk in front of my house at number 12 Beacon Street.

[Bruce opens his legs. Scott leans forward to try and look up his skirt, as well as Kevin.]

Dave: Searching for someone older who can make you feel like a woman. But Linda I have a rule! I never sleep with a woman unless she is at least 18.

[Bruce sits up straight and closes his legs.]

Dave: Or a very mature 17.

[Bruce slouches down again and opens his legs.]

Dave: But Linda, don't pressure me. Because I'll cave in Linda, I'll give in. Linda [picks up his guitar] I'm beggin' ya please [plays guitar and sings] don't stand, don't stand so close to me.

Bruce: I love that song.

Dave: I'll cave in Linda. 'Cause yeah, I'm weak. I'm weak like any other man. I'm just a human, right? I drink a little.

Scott: [Raises his fist in the air] Yeah!

Dave: Yeah. I've smoked pot.

Scott: All right!

Dave: Yeah. I've tried heroin. [Class is silent.] A few times, yeah. Yeah, and ya know class? What I'm really trying to do now, is I'm really really really trying hard to cut down on the number of times that I try heroin [pauses] in a day. Hey, ya know what I'm going to do now? I'm just going to get under my desk for a few minutes, and while I'm there, what do you say we listen to a little, a little rock n' roll music? Because you know, you know lyrics are just poetry set to music, do you know that? It's valid. Ok ,and while I'm there, uh Linda? Would you mind joining me under my desk? There is something I'd like to talk to you about. It could be school related, maybe no..notes or marks, something I don't know.

Bruce: Well if it's about my marks.

[Dave presses play on his radio and goes under his desk. Bruce walks over to his desk.]

Kevin: Linda, I'm not gay!

Bruce: And I'm not angry Stephen.

Dave: [Pops up from behind his desk with his sleeve rolled up.] Uh, doesn anybody here have like a lighter I can borrow?

Scott: Yeah, yo. [Throws his lighter to Dave.]

Dave: Thanks.

Kevin: This is bullshit Theo.

Dave: Right.

Scott: Sit down fag!

Kevin: I'm not gay, i'm not gay! I'm not.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video