I Speak No English

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I

Dave: We're closed.

Scott: Hello? I want you to tell me where a shoe store is because I want to look for a pair of shoes and buy 'em.

Dave: I'm sorry. I'd love to be of assistance to you but I'm afraid I speak no English.

Scott: Pardon?

Dave: Ah. I see by the expression on your face that you are confused by my statement. Perhaps you doubt its veracity, but let me assure you, I speak not a word of English.

Scott: What are you talking about, huh?

Dave: You see, everything that I am saying to you I have learned to speak phonetically. As to the meanings of the individual words or the percumbant rules of syntax, I haven't a clue.

Scott: Why don't you just shut up and tell me where the shoe store is, you jerk?

Dave: Allow me to reiterate, I speak no English. Perhaps this will wash the confusion from your face, my friend. My apparent fluency is the result of constant repetition. As you can imagine, I have been through this speech many times before, in fact ,I could repeat it for you in any one of seven different languages. Yet oddly enough , I've never learned to speak it in my own, which is fine since over the years I have forgotten how to speak my own language.

Scott: Just shut up and tell me where the show store is, huh?

Dave: Thank you, would you like to fight me now or are you a coward?

[Scott punches Dave in the stomach.]

Scott: Don't die.

Dave: I don't know what you're saying.

Scott: I just wanted to buy a pair of shoes, huh?

Dave: No habla espanol, senor.

Scott: Just got feet, don't got shoes.

Dave: Nein sprechen sie deutsch.