Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Hypnosis

Part 1

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Robyn Scholes
Cast- Kevin: Good evening [does darkness reigns hand thing] and welcome once again to the pit of ultimate darkness, and now I'm your host Sir Simon Milligan. Tonight we enter the dimly light regions of the human mind [lifts head off a skull to reveal a glowing brain] Who knows what secrets are stored within this organ, who knows… hey look I found a quarter [picks it up out of back of brain and places in his jacket's pocket] finders keepers, and now I will introduce one who is beloved of Satan, manservant Hecubus [raises him up with hand].

Dave: Good evening master, I am here to serve you and [cheerily] Satan.

Kevin: Hecubus, do you know why I was late coming to the show this evening?

Dave: No master.

Kevin: Because there was a parked car blocking my car in the driveway. Hecubus, do you own a green Valiant?

Dave: Yes I do master.

Kevin: [cuts him off] Evil, still evil after all these years, Hecubus the evil one [laughing together] Now, on with the show. We need a volunteer [search with hand on their foreheads] [Mark sits with hand up] You, [both point] do you dare come to the pit of darkness?

Mark: Sure.

Dave: Arise and approach.

Kevin: You are powerless to resist [both motioning him in with hands] Welcome to Hell, and what is your name?

Mark: Uh, my name's Tony Henderson.

Kevin: Tell me, Tony Henderson, I'm about to rob you of your freewill. Does this frighten you?

Mark: Sure. [giggling]

Kevin: You are a chicken.

Dave: He is a chicken. [both are leaning back together arms pointing at him]

Mark: Aren't you gonna hypnotize me first?

Kevin: Course, warming up. Hecubus, hypnotize the victim with the sleep of ages, I need a vacation. [walks behind Dave]

Dave: Yes master. Tony Henderson, repeat after me OWA TANA SIAM.

Mark: OWA TANA SIAM.

Dave: Quicker.

Mark: OWA TANA SIAM.

Dave: Quicker.

Mark: OWA TANA SIAM [comes out as "oh what an ass I am"]

[Kevin and Dave laughing, give high five.]

Kevin: Good one Hec, he got ya, he got ya. Tony Henderson you've been made a fool of by the forces of darkness. Now, the real sleep of ages, done by a professional [brings hand up in darkness reigns symbol, other hand being shaken behind it] LAVA SAVAL KUTI You are now asleep.

Mark: Sure. [laughing]

Kevin: Tony Henderson, please stop giggling, now you are a chicken!

Dave: He is a chicken.

Kevin: And, in a moment, please stop giggling.

Mark: [chicken noise]

Kevin: Whenever you hear this phrase [Dave unrolls a script reading "She sells seashells by the seashore"] Are you sure that's the phrase? Whenever you hear the phrase she shells sheashells by the sheshoree, she shells sheila shanana's my favourite group. [Mark laughs] Whenever you hear that phrase you will turn back into a chicken, but for now please stop giggling. 1,2,3 you are awake [Dave spreads his arms behind Kevin in tada position] Now, go to your 9 - 5 world, cursed by my spell. Thank you for volunteering and being a good sport. [Dave and Kevin shake hands with him.]

Mark: You guys are really funny.

Dave: No--

Dave and Kevin: We're evil.

Kevin: That is the end [both spread arms, tada position] The end, where you the audience courteously applaud, us the act [weak applause] Thank you and have a good night, and please remember to turn your clocks back one hour tonight.

Dave and Kevin: Evil reigns!! [top hand -tada position- in evil reigns symbol]

Part 2

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Kay Flores
Cast- [Shows phone ringing, Paul comes up and picks it up.]

Paul: Yello yes, yeah Tony?

[Mark walks up and Paul gives him the phone.]

Mark: Thanks, hello?

[Shows Sir Simon Milligan and Hecubus on the other line.]

Kevin: Tony Henderson? She sells sally sisisifuno!

Dave: You are a chicken!

Mark: Excuse me? I'm sorry have you got the right number?

[Kevin whispers to the camera.]

Kevin: Evil!

[Kevin continues to scream gibberish from the tongue twister She Sells, Sea Shells, By The Sea Shore, and Dave screams 'You are a chicken!']

Kevin: Close it up. Yes!

[After the estranged two hang up, the camera shows Mark looking up into space with the gibberish Kevin was screaming and 'You are a chicken' echoing in his head, Paul comes back up to Mark.]

Paul: Hey you OK?

Mark: Oh no I'm fine, I was just thinking about the worst hypnotist last week.

[Camera cuts back to Kevin and Dave.]

Dave: But master, he did not become a chicken!

Kevin: Yes Hecubus, the path of evil twists and turns and winds, he did not turn into a chicken, but our phone call stopped him from activity with his work...

Dave: ...and he'll get in trouble with his boss and production will go down,

Kevin: Down..

Dave and Kevin: Down...

[They keep on repeating until the end of the sketch fades into black.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video