Fine Ham Abounds

Started from: Comedy Central
Finished from: HBO
Transcribed by: and
Cast: [Family eating a ham dinner at the dinner table]

Mark: Mmmm, mm. Honey, this is a great ham steak! Just the way I like it, nice and thick and fried.

Dave: Thanks hun. Enjoying your ham steak yet, Bob?

Bruce: Yeah I like it, it's really fucking good. Ooh, oops, I mean--fine ham abounds, mom.

Dave: "Well you know what I do to make it so, fa, fa, f fa fa - said the 'F-word', seven pounds four ounces, now he says the 'F-word' at the dinner table.

Mark: Okay, you listen to me little guy. You don't curse under my roof, you don't curse on my roof or in front of my wife, you got that?

Bruce: Why dad, it's just a word! I can use my own words, and think my own thoughts!

Mark: Shut up Bobby.

Bruce: Why, do you want this place to be like...Tiananmen Square? Well I'm sorry dad, I won't live in your...microwave oven world any longer. You people have carpet on your hearts!

Mark: Sit down and shut up.

Bruce: No dad-it's the truth-look at that ham. It's flavorful, it's juicy, it's well prepared...it's the universal truth...that's F'IN' GOOD HAM, DAD!

Mark: Oh I get it, you think you're big enough to take on your old man, huh?

Bruce: [hesitation...] ...Yes?

[Mark punches Bruce]

Mark: Aaaah, I'm in the garage! [he leaves]

Dave: Well, your dad's in the garage, Bob. What do you have to say for yourself?

Bruce: I say, that I'm movin' out.

Dave: Oh where would you go?

Bruce: It's a big world, mom. [spins globe] There's lots of places. [points finger at globe to stop and stops with his finger on the ocean]

Dave: The ocean Bob?

[Bruce leaves]

Dave: But you don't know anyone in the ocean!

Bruce: [sung] My parents try to put me down / just because fine ham abounds....

They're square, the world is round / gonna throw the dice and change my town....

[spins globe once again and finger stops at Toronto]

[spoken] Toronto? Oh, Bauer's place!

[sung] My parents try to put me down / just because fine ham abounds....

I'm glad I'm in my youth / I can still taste the ham...of truth!

[ends up at Bauer's apartment]

[Bruce knocks and the door is partially open]

[Dave answers the door]

Dave: Hi.

Bruce: Hello, Owen, my parents couldn't deal with the truth, so I had to point out the hypocrisy of their lives.

Dave: Oh, well, we're listening to records.

Bruce: Oh, that sounds good too.

[Bruce looks around the room at all of the people listening to records... he sees Laura]

Bruce: Laura.

[He walks over to her and they start making-out. The music starts. Everyone is making-out except Bauer, who's rolling joints, and Lyle, who looks extremely out of place. Kevin enters spraying air freshener on everything. He takes the needle off the record to speak.]

Kevin: All right, everyone. [crowd moans] This is supposed to be a get-together and not a party. Someone has to leave.

Scott: Lyle.

Crowd: Lyle!

[Lyle gets up and heads for the door]

Bruce: Sorry, man.

Laura: Listen, Bobby, what, you know, happened?

Bruce: I told my parents to... [guitar slash] to fuck off. [guitar slash]

Scott: So, uh, Terrance, what are you gonna do now, man? Hop on a Harley and drive west?

Bruce: Something like that, Bauer, although I don't have access to a vehicle as such. Although, I do have my hitchhiking thumb.

Crowd: Oooo.

Bruce: Who knows where I'll be this time tomorrow night, Laura. I could be helpin' out a town in trouble. I could be in Chicago, eatin' bacon and eggs with gangsters. I might even be dead.

Laura: Sure.

Bruce: Laura, this will be our last night together.

Laura: Whatever.

Dave: Everyone? This is truly a night to remember, so let's get really drunk.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: But not so drunk that we can't remember.

[Dave nods in agreement]

[The night progresses. Lyle is seen waiting at the door in case someone leaves. They are all sitting around and Bruce is barely coherent. Scott throws a bottle cap and it hits him in the forehead.]

Bruce: Close enough. [He starts downing his mug o' beer. He burps when he's finished.]

Scott: Hey, you're not lookin' so good, Terrance.

Laura: [waving a slice of pizza in front of his face] Have more pizza.

[Bruce starts with the dry heaves. Everyone watches. Kevin grabs the record off of the turntable. Bruce is now trying to keep from spitting the vomit]

Kevin: Oh my God! Here, puke on this!

[Bruce still trying to keep it in]

Dave: No not that side, that's the good side. He can puke on this side, though.

[Bruce just spews barf everywhere. The crowd moans]

Scott: Ah, geez, get it together.

Kevin: Let's get him home.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: Okay, but I'm drunk and I can't drive.

[Scene changes to Bruce driving home with Scott and Kevin also in the front seat. The music starts again. Tires are squealing. Bruce leans out the driver's window and pukes like it's coming out a garden hose. Then the shot changes to Bruce playing the guitar and puking.]

[Scene changes back to the kitchen in the Terrance residence. Scott and Kevin are carrying Bruce in, Bruce is mumbling]

Scott: Shhh, shhh, your parents are going to wake up. C'mon. Shhh.

Kevin: Shhhh.

[The light switch clicks on and Dave and Mark are standing there.]

Dave: Bob?

Kevin: We found him this way?

Scott: Yeah, he showed up at our place drunk. [They drop Bruce to the floor.] Good night.

[Scott and Kevin exit. Dave kneels down next to Bruce lying on the linoleum. Mark stands next to Dave]

Dave: Booze! But no pills!?!

Bruce: No.

Dave: Good. `cuz were you aware that booze and pills do not mix, Bob?

Mark: If I'm the air-traffic controller around here, he's grounded.

[Mark storms off stage left. Bruce struggles but still can't get up.]

Bruce: Mom?

Dave: Yes, Bob?

Bruce: It was fuckin' good ham.

Dave: Yes I know, Bob. I know. [Dave leaves him on the floor, turns out the lights, and exits left.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video