The Night of the Cow

Transcribed from: HBO
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scene: Suburbia... a weekend evening at a back yard barbecue complete with colored garden lights. Bruce, Scott, Dave (in drag), and Kevin (Also in drag) are sitting at a picnic table enjoying some food and conversation.]

Kevin: ...but when I got my purse back... my wallet was still in it.

Bruce: That's great.

Dave: You are so lucky!

Kevin: Oh, God, if it wasn't for those teenagers, I never would have sobered up.

Scott: That was hyster...

Bruce: That was a great story.

Kevin: Thank you.

Dave: Yeah, a terrific story.

Bruce: But I think that I may have an even better one.

Dave: Oh really, dear. Well you should tell it.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: It was a night just like this one. Lots of atmosphere. But it was no ordinary night. It was the night... the Night of the Cow!

[other three look at Bruce extremely interested]

[Scene changes to Bruce walking on a country road with a foggy back ground.]

Bruce: There was something goin' on. You couldn't taste or hold it in your hands, but it was there. It was there in the way that mist rolled across the fields like... MIST.

[animals making noises in the background]

Bruce: The animals knew what evening it was. It was the night, the night of the cow. [resolve to a close-up of a cow eating hay] Ingrid was a heifer. She wasn't the smartest cow, or the biggest cow, but she was a cow just the same. Lately, though, she hadn't been "following the herd" the way she use to.

[resolve to Mark reaching into a bucket of raw milk and tasting it]

Mark: Somethin's wrong with Ingrid. [we see he's talking to a rooster] She's been think' too much.

Bruce: Farmer Karl wasn't a bad man, he loved his cows. Up until he killed 'em. [we see a shadow of Mark swinging an axe, then we hear a "moo". Flash back to the four sitting around the table and Kevin is showing much excitement about this last comment.] What he didn't realize was that for some time... [some Ingrid in her stall, looking at a relief map of Europe] Ingrid had been thinking about places beyond the farm. Far away places. How could she die without ever seein' Europe?

Kevin: I hear Bali's nice.

Scott: SHhhhhhhh!

Bruce: But even if the genius Nostradamus himself had been there on that good eve, he couldn't have foreseen the Night of the Cow. See that night Karl was gettin' drunk with his best friend. [resolve to Mark drinkin' shots of whiskey in the bar opposite of a rooster.]

Mark: She down at the bar, she mooin'... she's carryin' on... and STUPID stuff. I'm the boss around here! I'm gonna milk her again!

[we see Mark coming down the stairs next to Ingrid's stall, but she is not there.]

Mark: Okay, what's the scoop, Cow!

Bruce: Tonight Ingrid wasn't going to take it. Tonight was here night... [Bruce rises from out of nowhere into the barn and says this line to the camera] THE NIGHT OF THE COW!!!!

[resolve to a country road. we see Ingrid walking away from the camera. Now we see Mark in her stall, looking at the map of Europe with his lantern and he realizes that she has run away.]

Mark: COW!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ingrid is now further down the road and Mark come out and stops in front of the camera]

Mark: Come back here, Ingrid!

Ingrid: Mooo!

Mark: You're not serious!

Ingrid: Mooo!

Mark: You need me!

Bruce: But she wasn't turnin' back. She ran over a one foot ditch. Well it's pretty good for a cow. What she didn't bargain for was a drunk salesman in a 1979 Toyota Corolla. [resolve to Dave sitting in a car as a drunk salesman]

Dave: Where the hell am I? [we see a silhouette of Ingrid down the road] Hey, Cow! Get the hell out of the way, Cow.

Ingrid: Mooo!

Bruce: [back at the picnic table using the salt shake to represent the car and the pepper to represent Ingrid] Cow.. Car. Cow... Car. Cow... Car. Cow.. Car... [we hear tires screeching] Cow... Car. Cow... [he stops abruptly]

Scott: He didn't hit her did he?

[Bruce reaches over and sprinkles salt onto the steak that Scott is about to eat. They all realize that they are eating Ingrid]

Kevin: It's so sad.

Dave: What a cow.

Scott: What a nonconformist!

Bruce: Yeah... That's why I want you guys to know that I'm leaving my job at A.T. & Love.

Dave: [shocked at the news] Honey?

Bruce: I'm just sick of the business world.

Kevin: What are you going to do?

Bruce: I'm going to join a rock band.

[Dave is horrified]

Scott: That's great!

Bruce: Yeah!

Dave: It has occurred to you that you don't play an instrument. hasn't it, dear?

Bruce: I sing.

Kevin & Scott: Well sing...

Bruce: [singing] The night of the Cow... The night of the Cow... The night of the Cow!!!

[scene fades to black]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video