Transcribed from: Comedy Central[Kevin and Dave pace back and forth backstage. Mark stands behind them, and Bruce sits over to the right.]
Transcribed by: M. HowieKevin: No no no no, it was Shelly Long.
Dave: Kirstie Alley.
Kevin: Shelly Long.
Dave: No, it was Kirstie Alley.
Kevin: No, it was Sh-
Bruce: No, it was Beethoven.
Dave and Kevin: Beethoven, yes! [to the tune of Beethoven's 5th] Da da da da, da da da da!
[Scott enters from the right, wearing a bathrobe and slippers.]
Scott: Hi, guys.
Kevin: Hey Scott, how ya doin'?
Scott: I'm good, good, good, so you're all here, that's great.
Dave: Yeah, so uh, what's up?
Scott: Okay, uh, I wanted to call an emergency troupe meeting.
[The other four groan.]
Kevin: Emergency troupe meeting?
Bruce: Scott, remember the last time you called an emergency troupe meeting? It was to announce that you didn't believe in emergency troupe meetings?
Scott: This isn't easy, Bruce!
Dave: Well.
Kevin: What is it, Scott?
Scott: Okay, I have an announcement to make. I'm gay.
Bruce: And?
Scott: I'm starting slowly, okay. I'm gay, and, uh, I'm over 30.
Dave: And?
Scott: Okay. I'm gay, I'm over 30, and I'm in love with someone in this room.
Kevin: Oh God.
Bruce: Oh Scott, I'm flattered, I saw you looking at me when I was doing pushups. It's my fault guys, I'm a guys' guy, I- I drink bourbon, I spit, I sweat, I-
Scott: It's not you, Bruce.
Bruce: It isn't? But I'm a guys' guy.
Scott: Sure you are, Bruce, sure you are.
Mark: Wait a minute - it's me! That's why you haven't called me at home in three years - you're trying to hide your love for me! Wait a minute - you're all in love with me!
All except Mark: No!
Mark: No?
[Bruce shakes his head at Mark.]
Dave: Oh, wait a minute, this is so typical. You haven't given me a second glance in seven years, but the minute I get a ring on my finger, you're all over me.
Scott: Next!
[The others gasp, and Kevin looks shocked.]
Bruce: Kevin? Not Kevin, he can't even do one pushup!
[Kevin walks toward Scott as he speaks.]
Kevin: I'm not gay. Then again, I never used to like asparagus, and I do now.
Scott: It's not you, Kevin.
[Kevin walks back to where he was sitting, muttering under his breath.]
Kevin: Of course, I knew it wasn't me, how could it be me?
[Dave pats Kevin on the back, and Kevin sits back down.]
Mark: It's you!
Scott: What?
Mark: You're in love with yourself, aren't you, you egomaniac?
[They all act disgusted.]
Scott: Oh, oh come on, would you grow up, it's not me, it's you!
Mark: What are you talking about?
Scott: Well, individually I think you're all misses.
Dave: Yeah.
Kevin: Of course we are.
Scott: Together, you form the perfect man!
All except Scott: What?
Scott: Well, look at Bruce here, with his athleticism and ability to drink. [gestures toward Dave] Dave, with his flirty eyes [Dave flashes his baby blues at the camera] and even greater ability to drink. Mark, of course, for his incredible abdominal muscles.
[Mark giggles and raises his shirt to reveal a very nice (and obviously fake) 6-pack.]
Scott: And Kevin, well, Kevin for his soul.
Kevin: Not something physical?
Scott: No, sorry.
Kevin: Sure, sure.
[Mark pats Kevin on the back.]
Scott: So, what do you think? There he is.
[Scott picks up a picture and holds it. They gather around to look over his shoulder, point, and "ooh" and "aah."]
Dave: Oh, he does have my eyes.
Bruce: My runner's legs.
Mark: Look!
[Marks points at the center of the picture, and they all gasp.]
Mark: Whose is that?
Scott: Oh, nobody here. It's just- just a dream I had.
[Scott puts the picture down, facedown.]
Scott: Oh, so, uh, how about it? You guys gonna do it for me, y'know?
Dave: Do what?
Scott: Okay, well, I have this friend who's a surgeon - well, he's not really a surgeon, he's more of an anarchist who's into industrial music, but he's a surgeon of sorts - and, anyways, he owes me a favor or two, and he is willing to put together this man that I love for me.
All except Scott: What?
Dave: Are you out of your mind?
Scott: So you're not gonna do it, then?
All except Scott: No!
[They all start to walk away.]
Scott: So I don't get anything I want, then?
All except Scott: No!
[The others all walk off.]
Scott: So I'm foiled again! Well, parts of you will be sorry! The only thing worse than being young and in love is being not-so-young and in love. Well, back to my dream.
[Scott picks up the picture and looks at it again.]
Scott: Oooh!