Transcribed from: HBOCast:
Transcribed by:[Scene: A Tea shop. Mark is behind the counter as Kevin enters and approaches the counter.]
- Mark: Tea Factory proprietor (Very outgoing)
- Kevin: Mr. Tisane (Extremely meek and timid)
Mark: Hi! Can I help you?
Kevin: Yes.
Mark: Good. That's a start. What can I get you?
Kevin: Can I have a tea, please?
Mark: Sorry... what?
Kevin: Can I have a tea please, Chamomile tea?
Mark: Sorry... can't hear what you're saying.
Kevin: Tea... I'd like a tea.
Mark: You want a tea?
Kevin: Yes. Chamomile tea.
Mark: Then ask me.
Kevin: I am asking you.
Mark: Nah-nah, I'm not going to get you a tea when you ask me like that. You're being a wimp about it. C'mon, ask me for a tea!
Kevin: Can I have a tea?
Mark: Can I have a tea what?
Kevin: Can I have a tea please?
Mark: All right. Now ask me.
Kevin: I am asking you.
Mark: Louder.
Kevin: Can I have a tea please?
Mark: Nah-nah, I'm not going to get you a tea when you ask me like that, you wimp. C'mon, come at me.
Kevin: Can I have a tea please?
Mark: C'mon, come AT me.
Kevin: Can I have a tea please?
Mark: Be a man about it.
Kevin: I am a man.
Mark: Here try this. (Mark hands Kevin an amplified bullhorn)
Kevin: (Just as loud) Can I have a tea please? Chamomile tea.
Mark: Do it again.
Kevin: (Even more quietly) Can I have a tea please? Chamomile tea.
(Mark takes the bullhorn away)
Mark: Look... Try gimme a tea. GIMME a tea! C'mon, say gimme a tea!
Kevin: Gimme a tea, please?
Mark: Nah-nah, drop the please.
Kevin: You told me to put it in earlier.
Mark: Forget it! Say, "Gimme a tea, you bastard!" Try that!
Kevin: Gimme a tea , you bastard.
Mark: There. All right, now say it like I killed you dog. Pretend I killed your dog.
Kevin: I don't have a dog.
Mark: I know because I KILLED it! Now c'mon and say it. "Gimme a tea, you bastard, before I beat the crap out of ya." C'mon!
Kevin: (Still meek) Gimme a tea, you bastard, before I beat the crap out of ya.
Mark: Good luck.
Kevin: Gimme a tea, you bastard, before I beat the crap out of ya.
Mark: Yea, yea... Louder.
Kevin: Gimme a TEA, you bastARD, before I BEAT the CRAP out of ya.
(Pause; They look at each other...)
Mark: Okay, I'll get you a tea.
Kevin: (In normal meek voice) Chamomile tea. (Mark looks at Kevin with contempt) YA bastard.
(Mark gets him a cup of hot water with a tea bag on the side.)
Mark: Here you go.
Kevin: (Extends his hand to shake and picks up the saucer of tea with his other hand) Thank you.
Mark: (Reaches and grasps Kevin's hand) Hey, your welcome.
(They stand there without releasing their grasp.)
Mark: Let go of my hand.
Kevin: You let go of my hand.
Mark: (Starts jerking his hand away, but Kevin won't let go) I am letting go of your hand. Let go of MY hand.
Kevin: You let go of my hand, you bastard.
Mark: (Still jerking, Kevin's water is splashing all over the counter) Enough, let go of my hand.
Kevin: You let go of my hand.
(Sketch ends with their hands still together).