Transcribed from: Comedy CentralDave: Well, I think I talked you into the right unit. You wouldn't have been happy with that little thing.
Transcribed by: Andrew Greenberg[We see a small child holding a huge stereo.]
Dave: Now you trust me with this. This'll make you happy.
Kid: OK. [leaves]
Dave: [to Bruce] Can I help you?
Bruce: I...
Dave: Hmm? what? What is it? Hmm? Hmm?
Bruce: How much?
Dave: For that unit?
Bruce: Yeah.
Dave: That's a very good unit. That is a fine unit. You've got a good eye. This unit, I could let you have for... uh... [reads the exact price on the tag] $789. What do you say? Huh? What do say? That's a good deal. What do you think?
Bruce: I don't know.
Dave: You think that's nice? I like that. It's a good deal. What do you think?
[Bruce walking out the door shaking his head saying "I don't know" and walks back in the door.]
Bruce: I-- I don't think so.
Dave: Ok, tell me. How much were you planning to spend today? Hmm?
Bruce: A dollar.
Dave: A dollar. That's not a lot of money.
Bruce: Well, I'm a college student.
Dave: I understand. How about 789.
Bruce: Ooo I don't know. um... let's say a dollar?
Dave: Tell you what I'm gonna do. Cause you're a vet...
Bruce: I'm a college student.
Dave: Practically the same thing. I will let you have this unit for uh... s-s-s-s-s-s seven hundred eighty-nine dollars.
Bruce: Ooo I don't know. I don't know. That's...
Dave: What so you say? That's a nice deal. That's a pretty good deal. You know...
Bruce: I don't know.
[Old man comes out from the back of the store.]
Dave: What, Murray? Not now, Murray. I can't deal with this now, Murray! Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray!!
[Murray goes back to behind the curtain in the back of the store.]
Dave: $789
Bruce: I-- I don't think so.
Dave: Why don't you get the hell out of my store.
Bruce: Fine.
Dave: Where are you going?!
Bruce: You told me to "get the hell out of my store."
Dave: That's a business term! I'm a businessman! I want to do business here!
Bruce: Well, I want to do business.
Dave: Well, I want to do business.
Bruce: Well, Let's do business.
Dave: Let's do business. $789.
Bruce:Oooo.
Dave: What?
Bruce: I see where you're coming from but the best I can offer is... a dollar.
Dave: So, you're not from around here, right? You're not from here? You're visiting? What?
Bruce: [said simultaneously with the directly above and below lines of Dave] Yes, I'm from here. I'm from here. I'm from here.
Dave: You just here? what? You just get off the bus? You staying long? I hope you have a nice visit when you're here.
Bruce: I moved here when I was a week old!
Dave: Ah ha! If you were from here, you would know that's a good deal! 789! End of story.
Bruce: No, I don't think so. I'll give you a dollar though.
Dave: 789!
Bruce: What if I give you a dollar to pay for it?
Dave: Let me tell you something, mister!
Bruce: No, let me tell you something! I was in a hunting accident once. I wasn't hunting myself but I was pinned by another man's dead elk. and I lost a lot of blood. I was down to three tablespoons. and I vowed to my maker that if I made it through that scrape unharmed, that I would not pay more than a dollar for that unit!
Dave: I can't do it. It's too skinny.
Bruce: Come on.
Dave: I can't do it. It's too skinny. I can't fit in this deal. I don't fit in here.
[Murray comes out again.]
Dave: What, Murray? Not now, Murray! Can't you see I'm doing business, Murray? Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray!
[Murray goes back.]
Dave: 789.
Bruce: A dollar sound good?
Dave: Get the hell out of my store. I mean it this time.
[Bruce leaving.]
Dave: Hey, pal. Can I offer you a drink?
Bruce: Sure.
Dave: Good. Come here.
[Hands him a drink]
Dave: Huh!
[They drink]
Dave: Let's do a little business.
Bruce: Let's do some business.
Dave: 789.
Bruce: A dollar.
[Both throw their drink at the other.]
Both: Ah!
Dave: You're making me crazy!
Bruce: You make me crazy!
Dave: Do you wanna know what you look like to me?
Bruce: No, what?!
Dave: Come on! I want to show you what you look like to me!
[Dave pushes Bruce behind the counter where Dave was.]
Dave: [standing where Bruce was, imitating him] Gimme gimme gimme for a dollar! For a dollar! Gimme gimme gimme for a dollar!
Bruce: Sold!
Dave: All right! There you go! [slams a dollar on the counter, grabs the unit] Screw with me, man! [leaves]
[Murray comes out and looks at Bruce as he did with Dave.]
Bruce: Not now, Murray. I feel your breath, Murray. Not now. Do you smell the money, Murray?