Stereo Bargaining

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Andrew Greenberg
Dave: Well, I think I talked you into the right unit. You wouldn't have been happy with that little thing.

[We see a small child holding a huge stereo.]

Dave: Now you trust me with this. This'll make you happy.

Kid: OK. [leaves]

Dave: [to Bruce] Can I help you?

Bruce: I...

Dave: Hmm? what? What is it? Hmm? Hmm?

Bruce: How much?

Dave: For that unit?

Bruce: Yeah.

Dave: That's a very good unit. That is a fine unit. You've got a good eye. This unit, I could let you have for... uh... [reads the exact price on the tag] $789. What do you say? Huh? What do say? That's a good deal. What do you think?

Bruce: I don't know.

Dave: You think that's nice? I like that. It's a good deal. What do you think?

[Bruce walking out the door shaking his head saying "I don't know" and walks back in the door.]

Bruce: I-- I don't think so.

Dave: Ok, tell me. How much were you planning to spend today? Hmm?

Bruce: A dollar.

Dave: A dollar. That's not a lot of money.

Bruce: Well, I'm a college student.

Dave: I understand. How about 789.

Bruce: Ooo I don't know. um... let's say a dollar?

Dave: Tell you what I'm gonna do. Cause you're a vet...

Bruce: I'm a college student.

Dave: Practically the same thing. I will let you have this unit for uh... s-s-s-s-s-s seven hundred eighty-nine dollars.

Bruce: Ooo I don't know. I don't know. That's...

Dave: What so you say? That's a nice deal. That's a pretty good deal. You know...

Bruce: I don't know.

[Old man comes out from the back of the store.]

Dave: What, Murray? Not now, Murray. I can't deal with this now, Murray! Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray!!

[Murray goes back to behind the curtain in the back of the store.]

Dave: $789

Bruce: I-- I don't think so.

Dave: Why don't you get the hell out of my store.

Bruce: Fine.

Dave: Where are you going?!

Bruce: You told me to "get the hell out of my store."

Dave: That's a business term! I'm a businessman! I want to do business here!

Bruce: Well, I want to do business.

Dave: Well, I want to do business.

Bruce: Well, Let's do business.

Dave: Let's do business. $789.

Bruce:Oooo.

Dave: What?

Bruce: I see where you're coming from but the best I can offer is... a dollar.

Dave: So, you're not from around here, right? You're not from here? You're visiting? What?

Bruce: [said simultaneously with the directly above and below lines of Dave] Yes, I'm from here. I'm from here. I'm from here.

Dave: You just here? what? You just get off the bus? You staying long? I hope you have a nice visit when you're here.

Bruce: I moved here when I was a week old!

Dave: Ah ha! If you were from here, you would know that's a good deal! 789! End of story.

Bruce: No, I don't think so. I'll give you a dollar though.

Dave: 789!

Bruce: What if I give you a dollar to pay for it?

Dave: Let me tell you something, mister!

Bruce: No, let me tell you something! I was in a hunting accident once. I wasn't hunting myself but I was pinned by another man's dead elk. and I lost a lot of blood. I was down to three tablespoons. and I vowed to my maker that if I made it through that scrape unharmed, that I would not pay more than a dollar for that unit!

Dave: I can't do it. It's too skinny.

Bruce: Come on.

Dave: I can't do it. It's too skinny. I can't fit in this deal. I don't fit in here.

[Murray comes out again.]

Dave: What, Murray? Not now, Murray! Can't you see I'm doing business, Murray? Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray! Not now, Murray!

[Murray goes back.]

Dave: 789.

Bruce: A dollar sound good?

Dave: Get the hell out of my store. I mean it this time.

[Bruce leaving.]

Dave: Hey, pal. Can I offer you a drink?

Bruce: Sure.

Dave: Good. Come here.

[Hands him a drink]

Dave: Huh!

[They drink]

Dave: Let's do a little business.

Bruce: Let's do some business.

Dave: 789.

Bruce: A dollar.

[Both throw their drink at the other.]

Both: Ah!

Dave: You're making me crazy!

Bruce: You make me crazy!

Dave: Do you wanna know what you look like to me?

Bruce: No, what?!

Dave: Come on! I want to show you what you look like to me!

[Dave pushes Bruce behind the counter where Dave was.]

Dave: [standing where Bruce was, imitating him] Gimme gimme gimme for a dollar! For a dollar! Gimme gimme gimme for a dollar!

Bruce: Sold!

Dave: All right! There you go! [slams a dollar on the counter, grabs the unit] Screw with me, man! [leaves]

[Murray comes out and looks at Bruce as he did with Dave.]

Bruce: Not now, Murray. I feel your breath, Murray. Not now. Do you smell the money, Murray?


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video