The Accent Class

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor

[Scene takes place in a classroom. All of the students are sitting down in their chairs. Kevin enters the room with a beret on his head and a bandana around his neck.]

Kevin: Allo. Ma name is Marcel. I am vvm Paree. I am new to zis country. Could someone please tell me where zee men's room eez?

Man: [gets up] Yeah I think uh if you go out and to the right--

Mark: [gets up] No, no. It's to the left. If you go out to the left--

Kevin: A-ha! Fooled you. [takes off bandana and throws it on the floor] I'm not really Marcel from Paris. [throws beret on floor] I'm Lyle Jordan - your accent teacher for the next six weeks. And that was just a taste of the many accents you'll be learning in the classes to come - where you'll find [walks towards blackboard] the accent [taps with knuckles below the word "ACCENT!!" written in white chalk on the board] is on the accent. [students applaud] Okay. Let's take a look at the German accent. What do we need to attain a perfect German accent? Phlegm in the larynx. And how do we get this phlegm in the larynx? [picks up a glass of milk from behind his desk] Milk! Preferably homogenous. [drinks milk; rests glass on desk] Okay. Now we have our *phlegm* in the larynx. We're ready to move to the next step. Is anyone here German?

[students look at each other and nod no]

Student: No.

Student: Nope.

Kevin: It is common knowledge that the Germans are a very cold people. IT'S TRUE, EVERY SINGLE ONE O' THEM! I haven't met one German who wasn't cold or unfriendly. Okay! Now we have that as our attitude, we have our phlegm in our larynx, we are now ready to attempt the accent. I will need quiet. I SAID QUIET!

"Fritz, is that your dog Fritz? Fritz! Don't you have lai-cense for zhat dog Fritz? Fritz you cold unfriendly bastard! Sig Heil."

[students applaud]

Thank you. Okay. Let's move on to the Scottish accent. Now I think you'll find the Scottish accent is the complete opposite of the German accent in that phlegm in the larynx will hinder you. [picks up glass of water from behind desk] Okay. So we gotta clear away the phlegm. [drinks water] Ah. Remember while attempting the Scottish accent water is your friend. [puts glass on desk] Is anyone here Scottish?

[students look at each other and nod no]

Student: No.

Kevin: Well, besides being notoriously cheap, your average Scottish person is drunk eighteen to nineteen hours A DAY! IT'S TRUE, EVERY SINGLE ONE O' THEM! I haven't met a Scottish person who didn't have liquor on his breath while weaseling out of a chair. Okay. So we got our attitude, the phlegm is all gone, I of course need quiet...

"Scootie, yur bruther Lyle's in a wee bit o' truble. Scotee put down that book! Scootee, wake up ya cheap drunken bastard! Ha-kah."

[students applaud]

Okay. I'm sure at this point you have many questions. [Mark puts up hand] Yes.

Mark: Yeah uh [stands up] I was fooling around with a, a Cockney accent at home and I was just wondering if I was doing it right?

Kevin: [chuckles] Well you probably weren't but this is a good opportunity for me to see where you're at. So uh please. Let us hear your uh Cockney accent. [laughs]

Mark: Ahem, ahem, ahem.

Kevin: MISTAKE NUMBER ONE! [whispering] Continue.

Mark: Ahem. [authentic sounding] "Hello mate. Me and the lads were watching the telly the other night and we saw this bloke with this smashing bird 'n we thought, 'Oh cor blimey. He's a lucky duck, idínt he?'"

[Students smile and applaud. Mark laughs and sits down. Kevin stammers and shakes his head.]

Kevin: [to the class] You like that?!?

Mark: Wa-was, was that not any good?

Kevin: [to Mark] Oh I thought it was smashing luv! [to the class] So you thought it was good... Yeah. I guess it was pretty good. FOR A MISTER WRONG GUY! But if you want work in commercials or dinner theatre I think you'll listen to me! So what's it gonna be? Do I continue with the class or do we listen to this [in low-pitched voice] bloke tell us what he saw on the telly?

Man: You sir.

Kevin: Okay. Okay, alright. Okay, let's go to the French accent. Okay. It's important to realize that every Frenchman is impotent! We need our water [stretches out pants with one hand and with the other pours in water from glass], we need our milk [stretches out pants and pours in milk from the other glass]. Now repeat after me: Ma name...

Students: Ma name...

Kevin: ...is Marcel.

Students: ...is Marcel.

Kevin: I am flum...

Students: I am flum...

Kevin: Paree!

Students: Paree!

Kevin: Ma name...

Students: Ma name...

Kevin: Paree!

Students: Paree!

Kevin: I am flum...

Students: I am flum...

Kevin: Paree!

Students: Paree!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video