Kathie/Cathy: Is He?

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Scott and Bruce are sitting back to back at their respective desks working]

Scott: Oh, Kathie, you there?

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: Oh God, Wednesdays, uh?

Bruce: Oh, yeah, I hate 'em.

Scott: Oh, I lothe them. Oh God Wednesdays. I hate Wednesdays. You know what part I hate the most about Wednesdays? Three to four p.m.

Bruce: Oh, I know. I know that's when I'm gonna die.

Scott: Oh.

Bruce: I just know it.

Scott: It's the worst. Well back to that four-letter word...

Bruce and Scott together: Work!

[Dave walks by from stage left to right and heads toward the file cabinet in front of Bruce's desk]

Scott: Hi.

Dave: Hi.

Bruce: Hi, new guy.

Dave: Oh, hi.

[they each repeat "Hi"s over one another]

Dave: It's a...It's Howard, actually.

Scott: Howard.

[more repeating of "Hi"s and "Hi Howard"s]

Scott: Howard? Hi, Howard. I'm Cathy.

Dave: Oh.

Bruce: And I'm Kathie.

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: Oh. [smiling] I'll try to remember that although I'm not really very good at names.

[Bruce starts to giggle. He accidentally rests his elbows on the typewriter keys. Scott nudges him as if to say "Stop that"]

Bruce: Well, um, welcome abloard. [giggles] Talk much Kathie? I mean, welcome a-aboard.

Scott: Yeah, welcome aboard.

Dave: Oh, well, thanks very much. I'll see you later.

Scott: Buh-bye.

[Scott and Bruce turn towards each other]

Bruce and Scott together: [making gester with hands] Is he?

Bruce: I don't know. I just don't know.

Scott: I don't know either.

Bruce: Well, he's been here three hours and he hasn't mentioned a girlfriend, yet.

Scott: Oh, I know. Well, I have my suspicions. But, you know me. I suspect most men until they prove it to me.

Bruce: [puts his hand over his mouth as if shocked and starts to giggle] I can't believe you said that.

Scott: Well, I suspect some even after.

Bruce: [giggling] or during! [more giggling]

Scott: Kathie! Kathie Lassiter! I can't believe you! It's not even Friday.

Bruce: I'm so full of beans today.

Scott: Oh, yeah, geez.

[Turn back to got to work]

Bruce: [turning back towards Scott] I don't think he is.

Scott: [now facing Bruce again] You don't?

Bruce: But, then again, I don't know any.

Scott: Oh, come on! You don't know anyway?

Bruce: No.

Scott: You've never known one?

Bruce: No...oh there was this one guy, in high school, who I thought was, but it turned out he was just a genious.

Scott: Oh, yeah, that's always the way.

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: Of course, there's Grayson in the mail-room. But, then, that's old news--everyone knows that.

Bruce: Oh, no. No, Grayson isn't.

Scott: He's not?

Bruce: No he explained it to me one day at a long liquid lunch. He just sleeps...let me get this straight...with men now and then to prove to himself he doesn't like it.

Scott: Oh, I see. So he's more like a sexual scientist.

Bruce: [nudging Scott on leg as if to say "you understand"] Yes.

Scott: What about his boyfriend? Huh?

Bruce: Smokescreen. His boyfriend is a smokescreen for his heterosexuality. He says it's reversed now-a-days.

Scott: Oh, Kathie, get with it. All the best ones are either married or gay.

Bruce: Sometimes both.

Scott: Oh God. Here he comes--let's find out for sure. Hi, Howard.

[Dave comes on stage on the side of Bruce's desk and heads for the filing cabinet with a file in his hand]

Dave: Wrong one.

Bruce: [giggling] wrong one [more giggling]

[Scott nudges Bruce again in order to make him stop making a fool of himself]

Bruce: All those files.

Dave: Yeah, there's a lot of them.

Scott: Yeah. Howard? We were having a hard time trying to figure out what to have for lunch.

Dave: Oh.

Scott: Yeah, and we were just wondering if you could help us.

Dave: Oh. Sure.

Scott: Okay, do you think we should have the steak or the asparagus and pasta salad?

Dave: [mulls it over] Uh, gee, I guess you could have a bit of both.

[Scott and Bruce look toward each other alarmed, suspicious and confused]

Bruce: And, then, what should we have to drink?

Scott: Yeah.

Dave: Oh, I dunno. A beer...

[Scott and Bruce shake their heads in certainty to each other]

Dave: ...Or a...a glass of white wine is nice, I find.

[Scott and Bruce look toward each other with the same look of alarm, suspicion and confusion]

Scott: Thanks.

Dave: Oh, you're welcome.

[Dave exits]

Bruce and Scott together: Heee'sss biii.

Scott: Oh God, worst case scenario.

Bruce: No, he can't be. He's just too good-looking. I won't admit that. No, no, no.

Scott: [interupting Bruce's "no"s] Kathie. Kathie. Look at me. The proof is in the pasta.

[Mark leans over the cubicle on Scott's side]

Mark: Well? Is he?

[Kevin leans over cubicle on Bruce's side]

Kevin: We have to know.

Mark: Yeah!

Scott: We don't know yet.

Bruce: We're not sure.

Scott: Give us time.

Bruce: Yeah, give us time.

Kevin: Well, how much time do you need?

Scott: I dunno.

Bruce: I dunno.

[phone rings. Scott, Mark, and Kevin continue to undistinguishably babble. Bruce picks up the phone]

Bruce: Hello? Shh...[to Scott, Mark and Kevin who quiet]...shh! Miss Robson?

[Scott gasps]

Bruce: We don't know yet! Just hold. [puts her on hold] She's breathing down our necks!

[undistinguishable babble starts up again for a few seconds, until Dave walks back on stage, on Bruce's side]

Bruce: Look at his finger and if there's a.....[notices Dave and stops]

[All are silent]

Scott: Well, that's it for the coffee fund meeting.

Bruce: Yes.

Dave: Uh, no. No, I'm not gay.

[Bruce giggles again, but softly]

[All look uninterested at the news]

Scott: Oh, so? Who cares?

[All laugh to re-affirm Scott]

[Babbling starts up again, Dave starts to leave by walking in front of the desks from stage right to left]

Dave: Just for the record.

[Dave leaves frame]

[All throw up their hands]

All: Yeah!!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video