Are ETs Dull?

Transcribed from: DVD
Transcribed by: Laura B. Loftin

Cast-

(Dave is sitting in a chair with black background)

Dave : For hundreds of years, modern science has endeavored to peel back the layers of ignorance, to shed light on the true nature of the universe, to replace yesterday's myth with today's proven fact. (Dave gets up and moves to another chair as he speaks) And it is to advance that cause that we must ask ourselves...ARE EXTRATERRESTRIALS DULL?

(Scene cuts to Scott hiking on a trail, the bottom of the screen reads: "PHIL ABERFOYLE, student of dentistry")

Scott : Here. It was here that I first saw the alien craft. I was struck by a blue beam of light, and I felt myself being lifted up off the ground. The next thing I knew I was aboard the vessel. For the entire duration of my stay with the aliens, they never once turned off the TV. There was almost no conversation. And when they did talk, it was about what they were watching, usually 'My Three Sons.' Being a dentistry student, I of course have a scientific mind. I would enquire about different things such as medical techniques, means of propulsion, social organizations. But nothing. They'd just go, "Shh. Ernie's having girl trouble."

(Scene cuts back to Dave)

Dave : It is believed that the aliens first visited the earth at the very beginning of human history and mated with our ancient ancestors. How else can we explain...? (Dave gets up and moves to yet another chair) How else can we explain people who say things like, "I don't need to take drugs to have a good time"? How else can we explain New-Age music? Could humans really have invented golf without alien intervention?

(Scene cuts to Kevin standing in front of a house for sale, the bottom of the screen reads: "NORMAN WALLIS, real estate agent")

Kevin : Well, I was abducted during an open house on the outskirts of town. I asked the aliens if they wanted to study me or if they wanted to ask me any questions at all. So they asked me if I thought they looked good with a pipe. You see, they all smoke pipes. I thought it suited them, so I said, "It suits you." They sort of smiled, turned around, and...kept watching TV.

(Scene cuts back to Dave walking towards three pedestals with large Tupperware bowls on them)

Dave : We recovered this -- These -- near the sight of an alien landing. And according to eyewitnesses... (Dave opens up the first bowl and pulls out a green sweater) This is the outer garment of an alien's flight suit. According to the lab, it is 50% wool, 50% alpaca. And in the opinion of the lab, it is a quality garment.

(Scene cuts back to Kevin)

Kevin : Another thing is, the aliens all seemed to be balding. Just think about it -- a whole race of people brushing their hair forwards to hide the fact that they are balding...even the children.

(Scene cuts to Scott as an old balding man, smoking a pipe, with a green sweater on, sitting in front of a fire, the bottom of the screen reads: "JEROME KLAUN, homeowner [Ret.])

Scott : The aliens? Absolutely splendid people. Top drawer, 100% all the way. Couldn't have enjoyed the abduction more.

(Scene cuts back to Dave checking his watch against a chiming grandfather clock)

Dave : But why then have these reluctant astronauts come to this planet? What is their mission? (Dave walks over to chair and sits) What do they hope to gain?

(Scene cuts to Mark standing behind a store counter, the bottom of the screen reads: "RICK METHERAL, Owner, Rickies Gifties")

Mark : I believe the aliens are here to collect decorative spoons. My own store has been visited three times by three separate groups of aliens, and each time, although they initially expressed a lot of interest in the beer mug shaped like a tit, their only purchase was the Stevenville commemorative spoon. In fact the last group complained, quite tellingly, I think. They said, "Why don't you have a spoon that just says 'Earth'? It would save time."

(Scene cuts back to Dave)

Dave : Such gift shop visitations now number in the thousands. (Dave gets up, and carries his chair over a couple feet while talking) Who Knows? Perhaps one day, when the last spoon has been collected, the aliens will leave this planet as mysteriously and uninterestingly as they came. But until that time, I kn-- (The camera and spotlight pass Dave and focus on a spot a few feet away, so he rolls his chair onto that spot) But until that time, I shall continue to look to the night sky until I become drowsy and fall asleep. (Dave leans back and falls asleep)

Sketch ends.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video