The Eradicator

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Brian Franke
Cast: (Scene: opens to a business meeting. Mark stands with a pointer in hand, and businessmen sit round the table)

Mark: Ah, if you gentlemen would like to turn to page six, we'll take a look at the international review. Now, I know it's ah (clears throat) common knowledge that we ah, lost some money in the last quarter, but I feel it's premature to blame our logo (points to logo). Now...

Bruce: Armstrong!! Which one of you pus-heads is Brent Armstrong?

Scott: The guy with the pointer.

Bruce: Figures.

Woman: I'm sorry Brent, he wouldn't wait.

Mark: Ah-who the hell are you?

Bruce: I am the Eradicator (looks at business men). The Eradicator. Armstrong, you missed our squash game.

Mark: Oh, the D-Squash Ladder.

Bruce: Yeah (points to head)!

Mark: I'm sorry I forgot. I was very rude.

Bruce: So, we'll call it a default then.

Mark: Whatever.

Bruce: Another win for the Eradicator!! I climb the D-Squash Ladder one rung at a time. Today, you are my rung Armstrong!! (tosses Mark a squash with Eradicator symbol on it. runs to door and stops) Don't try to follow me, I have a cab waiting (points wo head. runs down hallway). Eradicator!!!

(Scene change: outside locker room)

Dave: Nice game, you deserved it (shakes Kevin's hand).

Kevin: Thanks. It was fun.

Dave: Who you playin' next?

Kevin: Um...(looks to D-Squash Ladder) E-radi-ca-tor.

Dave: Ooo-must be good, he beat Brent Armstrong.

Kevin: Yeah.

Bruce: (jumps out of hallway with racket and bag in hands) Eradicator!! (swings racket freely. Dave and Kevin bewildered) Eradicator!!

Dave: Hi there.

Kevin: And ah, who are you?

Bruce: I am your worst nightmare.

Kevin: Maurice Lawerence from high school?

Bruce: No, I didn't go to your high school. Oh! You know too much about me already. I am the Eradicator (points racket at Kevin).

Dave: Oh (shakes head with Kevin).

Bruce: When I stand atop th D-Squash Ladder, then and only then will I reveal my true identity. James Thorson, I shall defeat you!

Kevin: Great, how 'bout Tuesday morning?

Bruce: (takes schedule out of bag) Ah-Tuesday is not good for the Eradicator. How 'bout Wednesday, 8:15 AM?

Kevin: Sure, that will be fine.

Bruce: You will now spend each moment between now and the match worrying. Every minute will be a universe of terror, and marothon of fear.

Kevin: 8:15, I'll try not to forget.

Bruce: Don't try to follow me. Tick, tick, tick. Eradicator (runs back down hallway)!!

(Scene change: squash court. Bruce asleep in corner.)

Kevin: G'morning!

Bruce: Euh! Eradicator!!

Kevin: I'm not late, and I?

Bruce: No. I slept here all night to get a feel for the court.

Kevin: Great. Well, let's rally for serve.

Bruce: (swings racket) Let the carnage begin.

(Scene change: showers)

Kevin: Well, you almost won the second game.

Bruce: I think my mighty scream was a bit off.

Kevin: I think it was your serve.

Bruce: Do you wanna unmask me?

Kevin: No. I'm fine.

Bruce: It's your right.

Kevin: No. Everything's okay.

Bruce: Okay.

Kevin: Hey! You can always join the volleyball team.

(Scene change: Bruce with a volleyball with the Eradicator symbol on it.)

Bruce: Eradicator! (hits ball.)

Scene ends.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video