Transcribed from: DVD (Season One)
Transcribed by: Kim H. ()
[The camera zooms in on a vaudeville stage. Kevin and Bruce enter with large grins on their faces. They proceed to do a little dance around on stage.]
Both: [singing] Hey there folks! Sitting in your places. We got some jokes to put smiles on your faces.
Bruce: We got some laughs.
Kevin: And we got some tales.
Both: We might even blame you folks if it fails. [Both pass their hands over their heads] Phew!
Bruce: Oh Mr. K.
Kevin: Oh Mr. B.
Bruce: Oh Mr. K.
Kevin: Oh Mr. B!
Both: We got a stoooorrrrrrrryy!
Kevin: So!
Bruce: So...
Kevin: So!
Bruce: So...
Kevin: So I hear you're an optimist!
Bruce: Yes, I am an optimist.
Kevin: Tell me, what's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
Bruce: An optimist says, "The drink is half full." A pessimist says, "The drink is half full", but I might have bowel cancer.
Both: Whoa!
[Both pause, grinning.]
Kevin: So!
Bruce: So...
Kevin: So!
Bruce: So...
Kevin: I hear you have an uncle.
Bruce: Yes, sir, I do have an uncle.
Kevin: By all means, tell me about your uncle.
Bruce: Well, he's worked at the same dead end job he loathes for 40 years.
Kevin: Tell me, why would your uncle, or any man, work in the same job he loathed for 40 years?
Bruce: I asked him. He said, "I'll try anything, once!"
Kevin: Whoa! So!...I'm fucking your wife.
[Bruce looks at Kevin in shock. Kevin looks like he wished he hadn't said anything.]
Kevin: Oh Mr. B!
Bruce: [dazedly] Oh Mr. K...
Both: I got a stoorrrrrrry!
Bruce: Knock knock.
Kevin: Who's there?
Bruce: Despair!
Kevin: Come in man, I know you well.
Both: Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha!
[Kevin exaggeratedly walks to the front of the stage.]
Kevin: [starts off excitedly and speech becomes more depressed as he goes on.] I looked in the mirror the other day, and I noticed another gray hair, and...another line running down the middle of my face and I realize I'm turning 40 next week and...just where the hell is my life going?
[Both men pause.]
Bruce: Oh Mr. K!
Kevin: Oh Mr. B!
Both: We got a stooorrrrrrryyy!
Bruce: [angrily] I can't believe you went and did it, man! I can't believe you went and gave Sherise the money for an abortion! It was *my* baby, *I* should have been consulted!
Kevin: Where were you when we *needed* you!?
Bruce: I was out gettin' my *head* together, you know me man!
Kevin: I loved you, once!
Bruce: You betrayed me!
[Bruce grabs the back of Kevin's head and Kevin grabs Bruce's coat lapels. Both grimace angrily and growl at each other.]
[Drum rimshot - Bruce and Kevin turn back to the audience, grinning.]
Both: We got a stooorrrrrrrrryyy!
[Music plays. The two men dance around on stage for a bit and then exit.]