Bass Player

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by both: and I

[Opens with Shadowy Men On A Shadowy Planet playing music, Bruce McCulloch sitting in a chair playing bass. Kevin McDonald appears from behind Bruce]

Kevin: That's the best bass player I ever heard. He's playin' so sweet, I'm gettin' chubby. You know what I like best about the bass player? His neck.

[Bruce bobs his head a few times]

Kevin: Oh, he made a little mistake. You may not have noticed it, but if you did, I think you'll enjoy my tale. Hmmm....

[Singing:] The mother, the father, the serpent, the priest. The foreman, the woman, the widow, the beast.

Hey, bass player. Look at the bass player. Look at that smile, there's sadness in that smile. Look at that chord structure, there's sadness in that chord structure. Look at him flail like the wailin' wall with nothin' but stubby fingers and a dumb look on his face. He don't know it but he's balding...spiritually. But everybody hates the bass player. No one invites the bass player to the party after the show.

Bruce: Hey, what are you guys doin' after the show? Oh, nothin'? Okay.

Kevin: If he does go to the party, he can only get the good looking girl's... best friend.

Bruce: Is Heather coming?

Kevin: [laughing] Heather...The bass player is the loser of the band, yes he is, if you don't believe me take a look at the one you're with. But, there's something beautiful about the bass, sometimes when I listen to it, I--I don't know, I get caught up in the swirl, I'm flying, I'm flying Ma, over a big beautiful lake. He's playing the bass and I'm flying. Sometimes when I land I'm in a different neighborhood, but that's okay, 'cause whenever I listen to the bass player, I always bring cab fare. But after all, aren't we all bass players? Aren't you all bass players? They told me this was a bass players convention, you are all bass... Pick up the beat, pick up the beat. Hide the sadness, and tap your feet.

Singing: The mother, the father, the serpent, the priest. The foreman, the woman, the widow, the beast. Aren't you glad that you're not one?

[Kevin hides behind Bruce's chair and SMOASP begin playing once again]