Gavin: The Preachers

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Bruce enters, turns on the television to Sweatin' to the Oldies, Broadway is playing in the background]

Richard Simmons: [making a hitch-hiker motion] Ohhhhhh, one more time. Ready-- Ohhhhh......

[Bruce imitates the tape]

[Door bell rings]

Bruce: I'll get it.

[Opens door]

Bruce: Yel-low.

Dave and Mark: Hello.

Bruce: Did you know that movie stars get their hair cut every day? It's true. Movie stars get their hair cut every day so no one will notice and make fun of them like at our school. At our school on kid Tosa Korgetski, age 9, we used to think he shaved his head but turns out his dad was just strict.

Mark: We were wondering if we could come in and talk to you at great lengths about the lord.

Dave: The lord.

Bruce: Sure come on in.

Dave: huh?

[Dave and Mark are very surprised that he let them in]

Bruce: I was just sweating to the oldies because with all the casseroles I was given after my mom's untimely death they left on me to much chubby fat. So now I must sweat to the oldies because if you're fat you wind up living in a trailer park gossiping and craving country and western music.

Dave: Yes we understand.

Mark: Yes and there has been a period of grief in the home?

Bruce: Yes. Can't trust a bug.

Dave: Huh?

Bruce: See I was training some smarter cockroaches into my own flea circus but then when the light went on they went AWOL. Can't trust a bug, nope.

Dave: Hmmmm.

Mark: Yes, no you eluded to the death of your mother?

Dave: Mother.

Bruce: Yes do you have something that was from her?

Dave and Mark: No

Bruce: So then heaven doesn't exist?

[Kevin enters from the stairs, coughing loudly wrapped in a twister board]

Kevin: Just can't drink like I used to when I was 40 [cough]

Mark: What was that?

Bruce: A human hangover.

Dave: Your father seems to have the devil in him.

Mark: The devil in him.

Bruce: No, it's 64 ounces of Navy Rum. I eat things for money. I do. I eat seemingly inedible things for small sums of money.

Mark: Well the scriptures are very...

Bruce: OK, I'll eat your Bible. But it'll cost you a lot and take me several days of lunching and snacking.

Mark: No, no, we don't want you to eat our bible.

Dave:. ...eat our bible.

Mark: We want you to read our bible.

Dave: ...read our bible.

Bruce: Do you know that if your mum dies and you tell the bus driver, you can get on for free.

Mark: Really?

Bruce: Yeah, it's true, oh yeah.

[Kevin goes into fridge]

Kevin: Oh no, oh no, oh yeah.... Gavin.

Bruce: Yes father?

Kevin: Who are those two guys?

Bruce: Strangers in matching suits.

Kevin: OK... Ah, tomato juice. [Pours it onto his own head]

Bruce: Do you guys sleep in those suits?

Mark: Uh, son the inner workings of our religion are our own concern.

Dave: Perhaps if you just held the Bible something would sink in. [Hands Bruce the Bible]

Bruce: Like there's no heaven?

[Dave snatches the Bible back]

Bruce: I knew this one kid who wouldn't take blood transfusions so instead they gave him apple juice and in the autumn he changed color, fell out of a tree and died! [Giggles] It's true.

Mark: Well we're leaving and we're never coming back.

Dave: Never coming back.

Bruce: OK, you're my new best friends.

Dave: No we are not your new best friends.

Bruce: OK, bye.... Dad, I have some bad news for you. You're not going to heaven.

Kevin: Surprise, surprise.

Bruce: No, it's because it doesn't exist. I guess that means that hell doesn't exist either.

Kevin: Really? What do you call this place?... Come on, Gavin help your old man... [inaudible]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video