Let the Flirting Begin

Transcribed from: Arena (foxtel - Australia)
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Everyone sitting round an office. Scott and woman walk in.]

Scott: Okay, heads up gang. I'd like to introduce you all to Loise Claremont. She'll be replacing Phil, so she'll basically be doing whatever the hell it was that Phil did, and ah, Phil, you're fired. [Scott and man walk out.]

Woman: Well it's a real real pleasure to meet you all. [ Sits down where Phil was sitting. Kevin hits gong.]

Kevin: Let the flirting begin. [Dave, Mark and Bruce walk over to Louise's desk.] Contestants must make an impression in 20 words or less.

Mark: I have a 1932 bottle of burgoin that I'd like to share with someone very, very, very special. [Counting words on fingers as he's saying them.]

Dave: Louise, why is it I can never get a pair of pants that fit. [Tugging at the crutch of his pants.]

Bruce: [massaging her shoulders] Louise, don't you just hate men, don't you just hate men.

Woman: No, I don't actually, but I wondered if you could leave me be.

[Kevin hits gong.]

Kevin: Contestants must now act aloof.

[Dave, Mark and Bruce all turn away.]

Woman: Is there anything I can do for anyone?

Dave: Oh, Louise. Are you still here?

Bruce: No, we're fine. But thanks for caring, thanks for caring.

[Massages shoulders. Kevins blows a whistle.]

Kevin: Tactile foul number 2.

Mark & Dave: Yes! [High five.]

Kevin: Class A contestants will now complain about there ex-girlfriends. Class B contestants will discuss how their current girlfriends don't understand them.

[All at once.]

Mark: [I can't make out what he says.]

Dave: [Same deal here.]

Bruce: She's 23 and likes jazz.

Kevin: Release the rabbit! [A rabbit attached to remote control car comes out and Dave, Mark and bruce run after it out of the room. Kevin hits gong.] The games are endeth! [Puts down gonger and picks up sandwich.]

Woman: Look, are you with the managment, because this is institutionalized harassment.

Kevin: I'm sorry I can't hear you, the gong has ruined my hearing.

Woman: Oh, I'm sorry. THAT'S SO SAD.

Kevin: It's the music I miss the most, that and the laughter of small children.

Woman: He's so sweet.

Kevin: Am I?

Woman: Yes, you... Hey, how did you hear that?

Kevin: Oops. [Woman walks out.] Stupid, [gong] stupid, [gong] stupid, [gong] stupid. [Fades out.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video