Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
First Part Transcribed by:
Finished by: Matt Morrison ()
- Bruce- Shona
- Mark- Guy #1
- Scott- Guy #2
- Kevin- Boy
[in a sperm bank]All: Huh!
Bruce: By breaking that window, we have broken our first rule.
All: Leave nothing but footsteps, take nothing but sperm!
Mark: I'm sorry.
Scott: Don't be sorry. What is one broken window compared to the pain caused by large Cola bottlers worldwide?
Mark: Or the pain of mailmen who must toil like patbuellers under the weight of unwanted junkmail?
Bruce: The world needs trees, not pizza menus!
Mark and Scott: Right on, sister!
Bruce: Do we have all the necessary tools for the procreation ceremony?
Mark: [taking them out] Candles and incense.
Scott: [taking them out] Ritualistc drum. Turkey baster.
Bruce: Good.
Mark: Right.
Mark and Scott: Let's rob the sperm bank! [They look for sperm]
Bruce: It's not robbery. Paying for sperm is reverse prostitution.
Mark and Scott: Yes!
Bruce: Is it not fair that I come and take what I want from the man in the dead of the night?
Mark and Scott: Yes!
Bruce: Isn't that what he's been doing to me and my sisters since time began?
Mark and Scott: Yes!
Bruce: Even though I believe prostitution should be legalized.
Mark: And ganja.
Scott: And hash.
Bruce: And jaywalking.
Mark: And bumper hitching.
Scott: And letting your dog off the leash in public parks!
Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bruce: Stop it, stop it. We are not going to solve all the world's problems here tonight. But my hope is that I can get some A-1 sperm so Arlene and I can increase our family unit.
Mark: Oh! Sperm! [finding sperm]
Scott: Sperm! But what kind of sperm, Shona? There are so many types here.
Bruce: What kind of sperm do I want?
[Music plays. Guys crouch down.]
I want the sperm of the free. And the brave. I want the sperm of the not-yet-free and the not-yet-brave. I want the sperm of the working class, of the oppressed, of the flat-footed, of the sunken-chested...
Mark: That sounds like us.
[Guys get up and start to open their pants.]
Scott: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah.
Bruce: But you are male.
Mark and Scott: Oh. We feel ashamed.
Bruce: It's good to feel shame, it's good to feel shame, it's good to feel shame...[fading into flashback]
[in a car]
Kevin: C'mon Shona.
Bruce: I'm not sure.
Kevin: Just do it.
Bruce: But what about my free will?
Kevin: Don't worry about that.
Bruce: I'm not sure this is right.
Kevin: I'm aching. If you help me, I'll help you...maybe sometime in the future.
Bruce: Okay.
[Kevin makes pleased groan]
Mark: Shona!
Scott: You didn't!
Bruce: Yes. Against my will. See, too much sperm has damaged too many girls' mohair sweaters as it is. That is why I will not accept the sperm of a man.
Scott: Yes!
Mark: Well, what then?
Bruce: Women's sperm!
Scott: Yes!
Mark: Yes!
Bruce: Yes!
Scott: [with same energy] No!
Mark: [realizing] No.
Bruce: No?
Mark: Well, there's no such thing, Shona.
Bruce: Not yet.
Mark and Scott: Yes!
Bruce: I will have to yield to the limitations of biology. Man's sperm will have to do.
Mark and Scott: Great choice, sister!
Mark: Uh, what about...this sperm?
Scott: What about this sperm?
Bruce: What about this stuff? Does it look right to you? It's been a long time for me.
Scott: Well, the best import date is okay.
Bruce: Well, let's take it.
[alarm goes off]
Mark: What now?
Bruce: Let's run!
Mark: Right.
Scott: Wait! I have an idea.
Bruce: What? I can't hear you. The alarm is so loud.
Scott: Let's liberate the sperm!
Bruce: Good idea!
Mark: Yeah, good idea.
[Each of them takes a test tube and pours the contents down the sink]
Bruce: Swim! Swim to freedom!
All: Go! Go! Go! Awwwwww...
Scott: It's too late. They've been in captivity too long and lost their instincts.
Mark: Wait! There they go!
Bruce: Whose sperm have I selected at random to impregnate myself with a turkey baster so that my lesbian partner and I can increase our family unit? Hmmm... [We come up on a background shot of sperm swimming in a microscope slide. A question mark comes onto the screen.]
Announcer: Who is the father of Shona's baby? Stay tuned, and at the end of the episode we will reveal the donor of the mystery sperm.
[We see a background shot of Sperm swimming around]Announcer: Could the owner of the sperm, be this man?
[We see a shot of Mark as Tucker]
Announcer: Or one of these men, in this rock band Armada?
[We see a shot of the three boys in Armada]
Announcer: Stay tuned to find out at the end of the episode.
Announcer: Are these men the owners of the sperm that will impregnate Shona?[We see a shot of the two cops, Bruce and Mark]
Announcer: Or is it this man?
[We see a picture of a rather ordinary looking man]
Announcer: Stay tuned to find out at the end of the episode.
Announcer: And now.. it's time to reveal the identity of the donor of the mystery sperm.[There is a slight fanfare]
Announcer: Hockey Legend Gordie Howe!
[We see a picture of Hockey Legend Gordie Howe]