Danny Husk: Husk Musk

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison ()
Cast:

[Setting: Danny's bathroom. He's looking in the mirror singing the same song as Armada was, earlier in the show.]

Scott: He's the camera man... the whole world's watching the... Morning Honey... camera man.

[Kevin enters and stands behind and to the right of Scott.]

Kevin: Geez, Dave. You smell great!

Scott: Huh?

Kevin: What are you wearing?

Scott: Nothing. Haven't even started my morning ablutions(?) yet.

Kevin: Ablutions(?)? Are you still doing "learning a word a day?"

Scott: Affirmative...whoops! Getting ahead of myself.

Kevin: Well, then it must be your deodorant.

Scott: No, that's impossible. Haven't put any on yet.

Kevin: [sultry] I like... [kisses Scott on the cheek]

Scott: Oh? Yeah?

[Scott picks up his deodorant and is about to apply it when he stops and smells it. He then smells under his armpit. He then looks at the deodorant and talks to it.]

Scott: You lose.

[Cut to the offices of A.T. & Love., some weeks later.]

[Danny enters and is prepares to sit at his desk. He takes off his jacket and drapes it over the back of his chair. As he takes off the jacket, we see that the armpits of his shirt are soaked with sweat.]

[Cut to The Boss' Office]

[We see Dave writing something at a chair. We hear a knock at the door as Scott enters.]

Scott: Sir? You wanted to see me?

Dave: Yeah, Yeah. Have a seat.

[Scott sits down.]

Dave: Danny, I wanted to talk to ya.... [Dave looks up from his paperwork].. Good God, Husk! Look at your pits!

Scott: You don't like?

Dave: No, I don't like, Dan! I do not like at all! This is exactly what I wanted to talk to you about Dan!

[As this next bit of dialogue continues we see some animated "smell rays" waft over to Dave's nose from under Scott's armpits.]

Dave: Lately your appearance has just been.... slovenly.. and your attitude has been crummy and your whole performance has been sub... sub [starts to notice the smell] .... Sub-tastic, Dan! Absolutely sub-tastic, if you don't mind me saying so. In fact, Dan, I'd like to give you a promotion!

Scott: [astonished] Well, thank you sir. I don't know what to say...

Dave: Oh, don't say anything! Don't, don't say anything. Just Dan... [whispers] if you wouldn't mind coming around the desk and letting me have a.. good healthy whiff of them pits?

Scott: [shrugs] Well, you're the boss.

[Scott moves over behind the desk and lets Dave get a good smell of his armpit.]

[Sometime Later: Danny is entering the office. There is music in the background and balloons and streamers hung everywhere. The mail cart guy is dancing down the aisles with his cart, as are some of the other people.]

Scott: Hey, what the.. good morning, everybody!

Everyone: Good morning, Danny!

[The mail cart guy gives Scott some mail as he walks off. Scott limbos under a streamer to get of his cubicle, smiling at everyone who walks past, but looking as if he wonders why the festive atmosphere.]

[Scott has just taken off his jacket as Dave enters.]

Dave: Danny! Get in here! [Dave turns around and whispers] Please.

[Scott looks alarmed and moves to follow his boss.]

Scott: 'Kay....

[Scott moves through the lobby of A.T & Love. We see that the receptionist appears to be nearing orgasm, although we can't tell if she's using some kind of toy or if there is someone under the desk. But there's no doubt... she's definitely doing something that would get you fired under normal circumstances.]

[Scott moves further down a hall, and two workers who are holding hands raised their hands as he playfully ducks to his knees. They smile at each other and Scott gets up, still looking like he's thinking "I have no idea what's going on, but I know it's good."]

[Scott is about to knock on the Boss' door when he notices.. there is no door!]

Dave: [chuckling at Scott's astonishment] Dan, I had the doors removed. There are too many walls between people anyway.

Scott: Well, uh....If you say so, sir.

Dave: Now Dan, before we get started... my morning hug!

Scott: Okay... here ya go.

[Scott obligingly lifts his arm as Dave sniffs it deeply.]

Dave: Ah.... who needs coffee?! Now Dan, as I'm sure you're aware here at A.T. & Love are starting a cosmetics division and I believe there's a gold mine in them 'thar pits!

[Dave sits in his chair with his feet in the chair and his knees bunched up with his chest.]

Scott: I don't understand sir...

Dave: You will, Dan. Just shut up, and start sweating!

[We then enter a montage of images. We see the boss talking with a scientist in a "Testing Area" as Danny runs on a treadmill. We see in close up that a harness device keeps two cups secured around Danny's armpits so that his sweat is caught and sent down a tube into what looks like a big still. The sweat is eventually dropped into a small beaker. We then cut to a large belt in which we see bottles being filled from a huge vat of sweat and then being sealed in a box labeled "Husk Musk". The boxes feature a picture of Scott with his arm raised and him smelling his own armpits.]

[We cut to a photo shoot of Scott doing various poses with his shirt off and showing off his pits. We then cut to Bruce (as Gavin) holding a picture of volcanoes and dinosaurs and such. It's called "When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth. It has a big red A on it.]

Bruce: I spilled "Husk Musk" on my science project, and it got an 'A' . [?Ain't it cool?] (The last bit is very garbled by the laugh track.)

[Cut to Mark as some woman in a Husk Musk commercial]

Mark: I used "Husk Musk" because I love the way it made me feel. [sniffs the bottle] But then a week after using it, I noticed that the tumor behind my ear had disappeared! "Husk Musk" saved my life!

[Cut to some more shots of Danny modeling. We then cut to a news conference where the boss sits, wearing a hat as various reporters point microphones and photographers take pictures.]

Dave: Ladies and gentleman of the press. "Husk Musk" has given me personally a new outlook on life. [holds up picture of himself] This is a picture of me before. Nothing to be ashamed of, but...

[Dave pulls off the hat to reveal he has grown his hair long.]

Dave: ... look at me now!

[Dave stands up and throws his long-locks-a-flowing around. We cut to an assembly line where boxes of "Husk Musk" are being packed in a larger box labeled "United Nations". We then see a UN flag, blowing in the breeze as a white and black hand shake in front of it. The black hand tickles the white hand a bit. We see even more shots of Scott posing.]

[Cut to the Testing Lab. Scott is running on a treadmill.]

[Dave enters. His hair is still long and he's wearing African tribal dress. You know? those little round box hats and the robes and beads? He looks a tad hippie-like and as if he were about to cry.]

Dave: All right! Everybody out! I need to talk to Danny alone!

[Everybody else leaves and Scott stops running.]

Scott: What is it, sir?

Dave: Danny.... we've got a problem

Scott: Shoot.

Dave: Dan, you know when we came up with this "Husk Musk" idea., I just... I just thought it would be a gold mine..... You know? And granted, it has made us the number one multi-national corporation in the world....

Scott: Number One!

Dave: [sobbing] Yes, Dan... but it's also made us... the...the ONLY mutli-national corporation in the world.

Scott: I don't understand, sir.

Dave: Dan, you see... every other business, is... well, out of business. And that's not.... good business. [sobbing deeper] People aren't even bothering to go to work anymore, Dan! They're just sitting at home and... smelling your smell! But Utopia isn't profitable, Dan....

Scott: No?

Dave: No, Dan. The Japanese are asking... that you do the honorable thing.

Scott: Get drunk in a Karoke bar and sing "Rock Around the Clock"?

Dave: Gosh, no Dan. No.. you've got to stop sweating.

Scott: Stop sweating? How, sir?

[Two men in labcoats enter dragging a barrel full of still-wet cement.]

Dave: [crying and screaming now] We're going to have to seal up your pits, Dan!

Scott: Okay. You know, I haven't understood a word you've said, but you're the boss so okey-dokey-pokey.

[Scott removes the cups and raises his arm as one of the men approaches with the mortar and a trowel. Dave moves the man's hands away.]

Dave: One more for the road, eh?

Scott: Okay.

[Dave moves closer and takes one last whiff of Scott's pits.]

Dave: I can't do it. You do it! I can't be here for this!

[Dave leaves the room crying as the two men start to cement up Scott's pits.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video