Heart Channel

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison ()
Cast- [Setting: A living room]

[Bruce (Guy #1) is sitting in a chair, and watching TV. He picks up the phone and calls Scott (Guy #2), who is sitting in another living room, reading a magazine.]

Scott: Hello?

Bruce: Hey man. Turn your TV to channel 37. That really funny commercial with the dog is on.

[Scott flips on the TV. We see a graphic close-up of something being done to a beating heart.]

Scott: Oh that is gross!

[Bruce laughs evilly.]

Scott: That isn't even funny!

Bruce: Yes it is. See ya!

[Scott hangs up and switches the TV off as Bruce calls Kevin (Guy #3), who is watching TV.]

Kevin: Hello?

Bruce: Hey loser.

Kevin: Hey jerk.

Bruce: What are ya doing, man?

Kevin: Well, I just started watching this great heart operation.

Bruce: The one on channel 37?

Kevin: Yeah.

Bruce: Yeah. I'm watching it too. You missed a couple of hours though.

Kevin: Oh no! Really? What happened?

Bruce: Well, they opened this guy up. And then they operated for a while.

Kevin: Wow!

Bruce: Don't worry about it. I'm taping it, so... Oh, by the way... there's a really great heart operation on tonight at 11. It's one of those old black and white ones.

Kevin: Well I hope they don't colorize it. They really ruin the atmosphere of a heart operation when they do that.

[A fanfare comes from the TV. Bruce watches in disbelief.]

Bruce: Oh, what's this!?

Kevin: I guess it's one of those fundraiser drives.

[Mark (Nina Spudkneeyak) appears on the screen with a microphone as a number starts running across the bottom of the screen]

Mark: Wasn't that an exciting heart operation? But, oh Lord help me, we can't keep bringing you this quality, uninterrupted heart operation programming. So let's get those phones ringing, okay?

[We cut to the Volunteers. Or to be more accurate, volunteer. The only person we see at a phone is Murray.]

Mark: Any donation will help. If you have five dollars, if you have ten dollars, fifteen dollars, call in! And for one hundred dollars...

[Mark fades into the background as Kevin fumbles for the remote control.]

Kevin: What a drag. I'm going turn on the hockey game until the fundraising part is over.

Bruce: Yeah. Good idea. [also changes channel, eyes never leaving the screen]. Isn't the hockey game on channel 6? I've got a heart operation.

[Bruce keeps flipping the channels]

Kevin: Got the hockey game on my TV.

[Bruce keeps flipping the channels and we see more heart operations on every channel.]

Bruce: This is weird. I have heart operations on every channel. [keeps flipping]

Kevin: There must be something wrong with your cable. I told you not to splice it eight ways.

Bruce: Oh, look at channel 37. There's a really funny part of the heart operation going on.

[We cut to an operating table where Dave (The Bad Doctor) is ineptly handling some tools while looking at Scott 2 (Nurse Unloop)]

Dave: I... I'm... I'm.. I'm really loss...um,I'm... I'm... I'm really, lost here... I.. I... I... um (looks to Scott) Excuse me um... (forgetting name) Oh... Oh...

Scott 2: Nurse?

Dave: Nurse. What I'm thinking, nurse, is that maybe this man doesn't need so much um.. heart surgery as... as just a good night's sleep. Whaddaya think? So what do you say we just... [fumbles forceps] How does this thing work? Umm.. it's just not a very good day, you know? I just...

[As the Dave tries to manage his tools and mutters apologies, we pan to see the face of the man being operated on. It is Bruce, who waves cheerfully at the camera as he inhales gas from some mask.]

[Kevin watches the screen in shock as he sees Bruce.]

Kevin: Hey! That's you!

Bruce: [also watching, shocked] It is!

Kevin: Do you dry wrap? [laughs]

Bruce: Shut up!

Kevin: You don't look very well.

Bruce: Shut up!

Kevin: You're not dying are you?

Bruce: No, I'm NOT dying!

Mark: [cutting in suddenly on TV] I still don't hear those phones ringing! You know that we can't stay on the air unless YOU call in with a pledge.

[Camera pans over to Dave.]

Dave: That's right, Nina.

Mark: [confused] Uh, Excuse me... Shouldn't you be operating?

Dave: [pauses in thought] Oh yeah! Right!

[Dave quickly walks in front of Mark, off camera]

Mark: [still incredulous] Wha... What?

[Cut quickly to Kevin, still watching the show, riveted.]

[Cut back to the operating room. We see a shot from Bruce's viewpoint, looking up at the nurses looking down on him.]

Scott 2: We're loosing him doctor.

[Dave is chewing on a chocolate bar as he looks down at the patient and nods with concern.]

[Dave makes a yummy sound.]

[Cut back to Kevin, watching TV.]

Kevin: Hey! It's really funny now! They're loosing him! [laughs]

Bruce: Don't tell me how it ends! I'm taping it!

Kevin: [laughing] Failing heart operations are SOO hillarious!

Mark: C'mon! Let's get our panel of celebrities working, huh? Let's get those phones ringing!

[Quick shot of Murray, watching a still beating heart on the table he sits out.]

[Cut to a close-up of a heart monitor, which is going dead.]

Scott 2: He's slipping, doctor!

[We see Dave, who is now soaked in blood.]

Dave: My god!

[Dave reaches into the open chest and pulls out a lump of butter.]

Dave: This man's heart is a lump of butter.

Mark: [laughing] A lump of butter! You know, we can't bring you these kinds of heart operations without your help. The funny ones. The sad ones. So call in!

[We cut to Bruce, on the operating table. We hear a phone ringing.]

Bruce 2: It's ringing! Pick it up! Pick IT up!

[We cut to the studio to see the only volunteer is a dog, who is watching the phone passively.]

[Cut back to Bruce's Living Room.]

Bruce: [into phone] Pick it up! C'mon!

[The dog in the studio continues to watch the phone without interest.]

[Cut back to the Operating Room. We see Scott and a young boy dressed in fishing gear; father and son out for a day of wholesome fun in an unsual spot]

Scott 3: You know you catch all the big ones right here? Here we go... [casts the line out] Wooooooooah!

Kevin: Hey... I'm watching a really good fishing show, now.

Scott 3: [reeling it in] Hey! Got one! Big strike! Yeah C'mon!

[We see that the hook is caught on Bruce's heart and is in danger of being pulled out of his chest.]

[Bruce in the living room watches in horror.]

Scott 3: [to boy] God, your mother doesn't know what she's missing! C'mon!

[Cut back to Mark.]

Mark: Bring it here...c'mon c'mon.. don't do this...

[We see that Mark is talking to the dog, who is now holding a still beating heart in his mouth and steadfastly ignoring Mark.]

Mark: C'mon... c'mon.. bring it here... c'mon boy.

[Cut back to the Operating Room.]

Dave: [slapping chest, as he speaks in monotone] Live, damn you. Live.

Scott 2: [looking at monitor] We've lost him.

[Pan down to Bruce on the table, who somehow got a phone.]

Bruce 2: I pledge 100 dollars... and challenge all Mount Royal College Graduates to do the same.

[A fanfare plays as the heart monitor starts up again.]

Scott 2: He's back! Nice work, doctor.

Dave: Well... sometimes you just have to... [pauses uncomfortably and then gets ready to walk off]

Scott 2: ... heal them?

Dave: Yes. [pauses] Anyone driving west? At all?

[We cut back to Bruce's living room. He is watching TV intently, and wearing a bathrobe as the phone rings.]

Bruce: Hello?

Kevin: Hey goof.

Bruce: Hey stinky.

Kevin: Wotcha doing?

Bruce: I'm just watching a show about a guy convalescing after a heart operation.

Kevin: Oh yeah? What channel?

Bruce: 37.

[We change angles to see the TV. We see that Bruce is watching himself on the TV, from the angle we just switched from.]

Kevin: What have I missed so far?

Bruce: Well, the guy came in and he was really sick and a bit disoriented. So they wrapped him in a blanket and they put him in a robe and they sat him in front of a TV and he was watching TV and then his friend phoned and they gave him some ginger ale. And then he liked the ginger ale. And then he was sitting there but he was thinking he'd like a cheeseburger or something like that... it's getting a bit boring...

[Bruce continues like this, and is muffled by the audience cheers as we close in on the screen image and fade to black.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video