My Gazebo!

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison ()
Cast: Transcribers Note: While there's nothing said to indicate it in the dialogue, Bruce's character looks light a slightly older Bobby Terrance (Fine Ham Abounds) and Scott looks kinda like Bauer, minus his hat. Mark plays his typical cop character from countless skits with Bruce, but he has a real name now! And Kevin's old woman character, Mrs. Larsen, is the same old woman from the Dipping Area's Skit. So maybe this is a big crossover; maybe not. Who knows? Who cares besides freaks like me? I dunno!

[Setting: A back yard, full of lawn gnomes and a plaster Snow White and tons of tacky crap.]

[Kevin has just stepped out and his holding a saucer and teacup. She sings as she walks out, along a little stepping stone path when she suddenly gasps in horror.]

Kevin: My Gazebo....

[We see the cup and saucer drop and break on the stepping stone as Kevin falls to his knees and begins crawling around the flattened circle where the Gazebo was]

Kevin: My gazebo... my gazebo is gone.

[Kevin gasps again as he sees something. We pan across the yard to next door as a nice metal score begins to play. We see a gazebo in her neighbor's backyard.]

[Cut to: Inside Stoner's House. Bruce and Scott are asleep on the couch, in their underwear. There are a few liquor bottles on the couch next to them. They get up and answer the door, still in their t-shirts and briefs. After a shot of Bruce's zebra-skin briefs for the ladies, we pan to see the two men talking with Kevin.]

Bruce: Good morning, Mrs. Larsen.

Kevin: Good morning.

Scott: And what can we do for you this fine morning?

Kevin: I've had a bit of... terrible news.

Bruce: Aww... terrible news is horrible.

Kevin: Yes. Well, someone stole my gazebo.

Scott: Geez. That's too bad, eh?

Kevin: And what complicates the matter even further is there is a gazebo which I have never seen before sitting in your backyard.

Scott: Yes, Mrs. Larsen. You see, we had always admired you're gazebo from afar, right? So we went out and we bought one very similar to yours.

Bruce: [nods] We did.

[Flash back to last night. Bruce and Scott look at the gazebo, their girlfriends sitting on their shoulders.]

Bruce: Talk is cheap. Let's just steal that ugly thing.

Scott: Yeah. Let's do it!

[We cut to the girlfriends who are giggling and lifting the gazebo over the fence while Scott and Bruce watch.]

Scott: Easy! Hey! Watch it!

Bruce: Come on! Use your backs!

[Flash back to the present]

Kevin: So you didn't steal my gazebo?

Scott: Mrs. Larsen, I am outraged! I mean, we don't have to stand here in our underwear and listen to this!

Bruce: Yeah, we don't have to stand here and talk to some un-neighborly boney old broad! [slams the door in Kevin's face]

[A while later. We see a police baton knock on the door. Bruce and Scott open the door. Mark is there, as a cop.]

Mark: Good afternoon, sirs. My name is Officer Henderson. [turns a bit] This is my partner.... [suddenly notices his partner is not there and looks behind him] My partner is parking the car.

[The car, does park, bumping into the bumper of the car in Bruce and Scott's driveway.]

Mark: We'd like to ask you a few questions.

Scott: Is this about our high school transcripts?

Bruce: Yeah. How many times do we have to explain that they were lost in a flash flood?

Mark: No, this is about your gazebo.

Bruce: The gazebo? That's because we've got long hair.

Scott: Yeah, and cause we're not captains of industry...

Mark: No. It's because you have a gazebo in your backyard. Now where did you get it?

Scott: From a guy.

Mark: What guy?

Bruce: [looks at Scott] Can we even get dressed?

[They go inside and start putting their pants on. Mark steps into the doorway]

Mark: Hey! I said, what guy?

Bruce: Mr. Her...

Scott: ... me...

Bruce: T-el...

Scott: ...wich.

Both: Yeah! [nod]?

Mark: And where does Mr. Herman T. Elwich live?

[Cut to a dark, boarded up house interior. We see another stoner, Dave, asleep on his couch. We cut to outside of the the house where the cop knocks on the door while the other two stoners look on.]

[Dave comes to the window and tosses a board out of it which nearly hits Scott He looks out at everyone blearly.]

Mark: Good morning.

Scott & Bruce: Good morning Mister.. HER MAN T EL WISH!

Dave: What?

Mark: Sir, did you sell either of these gentleman anything?

Dave: [shaking his head frantically] No! No, no!

Scott: Sir? Maybe you don't recognize cause we're not in out suits today, eh? The Gazebo?

Dave: [finally getting it] Yes... yes I did sell these gentleman... a gazebo. Because I'm Mister [tries to read Bruce's lips as his mouths the name] Her... Man... T. El....ish.

Mark: [pauses] Okay.

[Cut to Mrs. Larsen's backyard. Mark stands as she sits and sips her tea.]

Mark: I'm afraid their story checks out ma'am. It's super funny.

Kevin: But it's my gazebo!

Mark: Hey, not in the eyes of the law.

[Cut to later that night. Kevin creeps through the backyard and looks through a hole in the fence to see her gazebo. Dave, Bruce and Scott along with a large number of young women wearing very tight or very little clothing are head banging around on her gazebo. She looks on in horror as Bruce and Scott look at the fence, seeming to know she is there]

[Cut to next morning: The Couch. Bruce and Scott in their underwear again. They are awakened by a knock. It is Mark again]

Mark: [talking to partner, who can't seem to park] Turn it.. you're on the curb! [turns back] Good afternoon again, gentleman. I need to ask you a few more questions.

Bruce: Is it about the gazebo again?

Mark: Yes. I'm afraid your gazebo has been involved in a homicide.

[Cut to Mrs. Larsen's backyard. We see Kevin's body, impales into the ground by the pointy steeple on top of the gazebo.]

Mark: It looks as though she was trying to steal it, but then it crushed her.

Scott: You know, it just goes to show you that in this society the people who look so-called "normal", are quite often the real freaks.

Mark: True.

Scott: Yeah.

Bruce: Yeah. Let this be a lesson to all old people everywhere.

Mark: Well, we'll have your gazebo cleaned.....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video