Transcribed from: CBS as aired on January 2, 1995.(There are some inconsistencies between the episode that aired on CBS and the episode that airs on Comedy Central. The following skits are transcribed as aired on CBS. The addition of any skit or change in skit when the show aired on Comedy Central is denoted with a **)
**Transcribed from: Comedy Central as aired on December 31, 1994.
Transcribed by:
[Paul Bellini is seated in a chair next to an old fashioned radio. He is clothed only in a towel. He is looking and listening to the radio.]Mark's voice coming from the radio: "Ah...This is not the end...This is not even the beginning... of the end...But, it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning."
[Bellini turns the radio off and stone-faced stares into the camera.]
Cast:[In a garage. Armada is rehearsing.]
- Bruce--on drums as Rod Torfulson
- Mark--on bass as Herman Menderchuck
- Kevin--lead guitar and vocals
- Chris Robinson (of the Black Crowes)--Rock N' Roll Angel
Bruce: [clicks drum sticks] One, two, three, four.
[They begin to play.]
Kevin: [singing] Tramp. She's a tramp, she's a trampoline girl. She's a tramp, she's a tramp...
[fade 30 years later to an aged Kevin]
Kevin: [singing] ...oline girl. She's a tramp, she's a trampoline girl. She's a tramp, she's a trampoline girl. She's a tramp.
[all of Armada is aged, Bruce enters from door in back, carrying a small paper bag.]
Bruce: Hi guys. Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up my lydrosicton pills.
Mark: How is your heart?
Bruce: It's better.
Mark: Yeah, good.
Kevin: I thought we agreed to come having taken our medicine. You know--if we don't get serious we're never going to make it.
Bruce: Yes we will.
Mark: We're gonna make it.
Kevin: You're right, we are.
[All three put one fist in a circle.]
All:: The *new* Rod Torfulson's Armada featuring Herman Menderchuck.
[Bruce walks back to his drums and sits down. Feedback from the guitars is heard.]
[Bruce belches]
Bruce: [clicking sticks] One, two, three, four!
[They begin playing. Mark plays fast eighth notes. Bruce is playing hi-hat and snare to no particular beat. Kevin is strumming out some chords.]
[Kevin motions with his hand to stop.]
Mark: What, what, what, what, what?
Kevin: That doesn't sound anything like "Stairway To Heaven."
Bruce: We're never gonna make it.
[Bruce stands up and walks to the front of his drums.]
Kevin: No, we *are* going to make it.
Bruce: Let's quit.
Kevin: But, it's always hard at first.
Bruce and Mark: [together] At first?!
Bruce: We've been at it for thirty years! We're gettin' too old to even drive to the gigs.
Mark: And I am so sick of showing up at high schools and they think we're the damn janitors!
Bruce: I'm sick of "Trampoline Girl".
[momentary silence]
Kevin: But, that's our hit.
Mark: Oh, come on, man--hardly.
Bruce: You're just bitter because you never married.
Mark: Oh, great...great, you've got the vein throbbing in his head again! Are you happy?
Bruce: Are you!?
Kevin: I...never...married, because I wanted to concentrate on the band!
Bruce: Yeah, yeah. Well, where...did...it...get...the band? What about that breakfast television gig you promised us?
Kevin: I'm trying. The producer and I are playing phone tag.
Mark: You have been playing phone tag for thirty years!
Bruce: Would you stop it...you guys are starting to make my heart beat irregularly again. I...
Mark: [interrupting] Well that will go fine with your irregular drumming!
Bruce: Well, what about you? What about this!?
[Bruce pulls off Mark's toupee. Mark gets even more angry.]
Bruce: What about this? At least I'm honest!
Mark: Oh! You!!
[Kevin, Bruce and Mark begin arguing over one another. Most of it is undistinguishable. Audible parts:]
Bruce: Could we break up?! Could we break up?! Sell the piano?! Sell the piano?!
[Arguing continues. Bruce hits a cymbal on his drum set with a drum stick.]
[Cut to heaven, presumably on a cloud. Kevin, Bruce, and Mark (all young) are there with an angel.]
[Soft choir of "ahs" heard throughout scene.]
Kevin, Mark, Bruce: [together] Wow...
Mark: Wow, man.
Rock 'N Roll Angel: So...there's your future.
Kevin: But how does it end, Rock 'n Roll angel? Do we make it?
Mark: Yeah, yeah, do we?
Bruce: Do we?
Rock 'N Roll Angel: Weren't you watching?
Kevin: We almost made it.
Mark: Yeah!
Rock 'N Roll Angel: We all almost made it.
Mark: Wow...yeah...
Kevin: We were so close. We had sixty people at a gig.
Mark: It's true.
Rock 'N Roll Angel: Sixty people? That's a salad bar.
Kevin, Mark, Bruce: [together] Yeah...but, do we make it?
Rock 'N Roll Angel: Let's continue.
[They all look down, off the cloud.]
[Cut to the garage. Armada is old again.]
[Arguing is continuing. Again most of it is undistinguishable. Audible parts:]
Bruce: Yeah...
Mark: And you spent it on a damn barbarque!
Kevin: Guys!
Mark: Admit it! Just admit it! Admit it!!
Bruce: [gasps for air]
[Bruce drops his drumsticks.]
Bruce: [gasping] My heart.
Mark: Oh, man.
Bruce: My pills.
[Bruce falls to ground. Kevin and Mark help him to lay down.]
Mark: Heart attack.
Kevin: Oh, my God!
Bruce: Don't let the music die.
Mark: We won't.
Kevin: We won't.
Mark: We won't.
Bruce: And don't replace me.
Mark: What?
Kevin: How are we gonna make it?
Mark: Yeah? [looks down to Bruce.]
[Bruce puts his fist up. Kevin and Mark follow doing the same thing.]
Bruce: Ar...ma...
[Bruce's arm falls limp.]
[Cut to heaven, on same cloud. Young Armada with angel.]
[Soft choir of "ahs" heard throughout scene.]
Kevin, Mark, Bruce: [together] But, do we make it?
Rock 'N Roll Angel: Are you kidding!? Pe...lease, man. What, are you guys high? You smoking crack or something?
[Kevin, Mark, and Bruce shake their heads "no".]
Rock 'N Roll Angel: Are you on drugs? You sniff glue?
Mark: No.
Rock 'N Roll Angel: [in disbelief] Do you make it...
Bruce: Do we?
Rock 'N Roll Angel: You suck!!
Mark: What?
Kevin: How would you know?!
Rock 'N Roll Angel: I'm an angel!
Kevin: Could we change our name and then make it?
Bruce: Are you saying we should quit, then?
[In background, over "ahs" a cymbal roll grows louder and fades soft. This continues until the end of the sketch.]
Rock 'N Roll Angel: I'm saying it's over. It's done. Heart attack. Death.
[Fade to picture of a fallen Armada flyer.]
Bruce [Voice-over]: But...
Kevin, Mark, Bruce [V.O.]: [together] Do we make it?
Mark [V.O.]: Yeah.
[Fade out.]
[**next sketch did not air on CBS. Transcribed from Comedy Central][Footage of sketch in which Dave is a man in a hospital who comforts families, from 1994. He is sitting on a couch, hears weeping, gets up and goes over to a man, woman, and doctor. The doctor is Jeff Berman.]
Dave: You're going to be fine. Everything's going to be okay.
[Footage freezes and a spot light goes on Jeff.]
Man [Voice Over]: Hey! Who's that guy?
[Cut to Kevin seated behind desk. On desk is a T.V. screen with the freeze frame of the scene.]
Kevin: Who's that guy? Oh, just a man. Just a man by the name of Jeff Berman. In the beginning Jeff was a producer on the show. Hell, not even a producer--more of a glorified accountant. But, as time wore on, he became something more--something almost brilliant. And now I'd like to pay tribute to this near brilliances. Ladies and gentlemen: Jeff Berman--the sixth Kid in the Hall.
[Kevin looks toward the T.V. screen.]
[Cut to a montage of clips without sound. Music played over. After each "sighting" of Jeff a cash register "ca-ching" is heard.]
[First clip: Danny Husk Musk, from 1994. Scott is taking off his jacket. Jeff is in background with a women showing her documents.]
[Cut to: My Pen! from 1992. Bruce, then cut to four people at the water cooler. Jeff is one of them.]
[Cut to: S & M pair, specific skit can't be made out, probably from 1991. Jeff walks with another man, in front of Bruce and Mark.]
[Cut to: Lucky Penny: The hillbilly who gets kicked by a cow, from 1994. In hospital--Scott as Nurse Unloop. Jeff is injecting something in his mouth with needle.]
[Cut to: Mississippi Gary: There is a very effective heckler in my audience blues, from 1991. Jeff, with goatee, in the "house band" playing guitar.]
[Cut to: Bauer looking for pot, from 1992. Bauer is in bizarre underground establishment. Scene in which Jeff is licking a snail as another man and Bauer look on.]
[Cut to: Boo!/There's a Spider on Your Back, from 1989. Jeff is reading "There's a Spider on Your Back" at desk, and reacts.]
[Cut to: Bobby vs. the Devil, from 1990. Scene in which there is a close-up of Mark as the Devil pointing with four arms. Spotlight on second pair. The words "Jeff Berman's Hands" appear on the screen.]
[Cut to: Unidentified sketch. (It appears to be Kevin, from 1993, as the guy with only seven fingers who is upset at a family get-together. Was this part of the scene cut?) Kevin is running out of the bathroom with a plunger with his pants down at his ankles. Spotlight on his legs. The words "Jeff Berman's Knees" appear on the screen.]
[Cut to: Maria the Maid, from 1993. Kevin in shower with "Maria". Close-up of an ass. The words "Jeff Berman's Ass" appear on the screen.]
[Cut to: Parking Lot. Spotlight on a singular car. The words "Jeff Berman's Car" appear on the screen.]
[Cut to: Slapstick Gorilla, from 1989. Kevin in a gorilla suit at the end of the skit. The words "Jeff Berman" appear on screen.]
[Cut to: The Curse of the Beard, from 1995. A dummy is falling from a few stories up. Spotlight on the dummy. The words "Yes, Jeff Berman, too" appear on screen.]
[Montage ends, as does the music. Cut back to Kevin who is standing.]
Kevin: We thought it would be fun to chart how much Jeff has actually been in the show. We think you'll find the results quite surprising.
[Camera pans and widens shot to reveal a chart. It is labeled "Scene Breakdown." It is a bar graph with pictures of each kid and Jeff a top of a bar.]
Kevin: First place, we find Bruce has been in more scenes than any other Kid in the Hall...big pig. Second and third we find Scott and Dave. Fourth place we find myself...big surprise. Now, even more surprising is that we find Jeff Berman in fifth place, just barely a head of Mark. So, Jeff isn't really the sixth Kid in the Hall, Mark is. And now the one, the only, the Jeff Berman.
[Kevin sits down at the desk next to Jeff.]
Jeff: Aww, shucks.
Kevin: So, Jeff Berman--the big question is "why?" Why have you blessed us with your presence in so many of our scenes? Is it a newly found love of acting?
Jeff: No, sir. By playing a lot of the roles myself, and not giving them to actors, I saved the show a bundle of money.
Kevin: Jeff!! Berman!!
[In "Buddy's" bar. Scott is Buddy. He is standing in front of the bar, itself--pushing someone out of the bar.]Scott: Okay, out you go.
Man: Shooters!
Scott: No, no. No shooters tonight, out ya go. No shooters tonight, no shooters any night. "Buddy's" is closing for good.
Man: Shooters!
Scott: Bye old timer.
[Scott waves and looks into the camera.]
Scott: Well, he is over thirty.
[Scott walks behind the bar counter.]
Scott: Yes, it's true. "Buddy's" is no more. I lost it last night in a strip poker game. What happened was: I refused to take my shirt off, because I was feeling fat. So I said, "Take the bar instead." And they did. I had to. There were photographers present. And get this--the new owner is going to turn it into a straight bar...with strippers. And! he's a fag! Never let them get behind you.
[Scott walks to the front of the bar again.]
Scott: Oh, I'm gonna to miss the old joint, I must confess. And not just because I never paid for a drink. But because, well, "Buddy's" was a kind of place where anything could happen. Mmm.
[Scott sits down on a bar stool that is in front of the counter.]
Scott: Elizabeth Taylor was our one millionth customer for God's sake. Oh, who am I trying to kid? Elizabeth Taylor never came here. The biggest Taylor we ever had was Rip. And speaking financially "Buddy's" was a complete disaster from the get-go. I made more money in prison as a cigarette girl. "Buddy's" was the kind of place where weeks would fly by, where the only customer was someone looking for a washroom...well bidet. Oh, I don't know what went wrong. Jeez, maybe I should have put up a sign...or at least a door! Or maybe, I shouldn't have used all that lead paint. Or, maybe it was because I built "Buddy's" on the site of an ancient Doukhobor burial ground.
Scott: [to camera] What were they all about?
Scott: Maybe Bruce was right, maybe my monologues were too long...no! Because that would be blaming myself and there's already too much of that. I'm a modern person; I'll just blame my parents. Well, it's back to modeling, I guess. I've only gained ten pounds since I quit smoking...[looks down at his lit cigarette, in hand]...and started again. Or maybe I'll return to my perch at the "Le Cage Aux Folles"--where I was famous for my Beatrice Arthur. They called me a male impersonator. Mmm. Or maybe I'll just go and be slutty in gay ol' Paris. Who am I trying to kid? I'd have more luck in Algonquin Park. People, I may talk champagne, but I'm strictly beer. Oh, whatever. Oh, my work is done, I best be off. I'm trying for a "reconciliation" with my old boyfriend--he's a firefighter from Buffalo. Ah ha...[licks his teeth with tongue]...so he's always burning up. He was supposed to be here [looks down at watch]...five years ago!! Where have I been?! Well, I know how to hurry him up.
[Scott picks up a martini glass, with a martini, presumably, in it. Then he pours it on the bar counter.]
Scott: La, la, la, la, la.
[Scott then tosses his lit cigarette on the spill. The counter-top bursts into flames.]
Scott: Ha! Beavis and Butt-head were right: Arson is fun!
Scott: [pitifully] Help. Fire.
[The sound of breaking glass is heard, as the firefighter from Buffalo comes to the rescue.]
Scott: Where have you been?
Firefighter from Buffalo: Waiting for you to shut up.
Scott: Oh, that reminds me of the time Honor de Balzac went...
Firefighter from Buffalo: [interrupting] Looks like I'm early.
Scott: Well, let's go.
[Scott jumps up into the firefighter's arms, who catches him.]
Firefighter from Buffalo: Where to?
Scott: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
[Scott rests his head on the firefighter's shoulders.]
[Firefighter rolls his eyes and head and then carries Scott off.]
[Kevin on left. Dave on right with coffee mug. Both seated on stools on an empty stage.]Dave: Hi, I was Dave Foley.
Kevin: And I was Kevin McDonald.
Dave: Now, as you may be aware, over the years the Kids in the Hall have had their battles over censorship.
Kevin: And we've won as much as we've lost.
Dave: But, seeing as tonight is our last episode, we thought we'd show you some of those censored sketches.
Kevin: Or at least as much as the censors will allow us.
Dave: Yes. And it's our hope that you will get a sense of how really, really inoffensive...
[Kevin is nodding his head in agreement.]
Dave: ...these sketches really were and that, uh, the intent behind them was always a positive one.
Kevin: Now the first sketch is called "Hitler Blanks a Donkey."
[Kevin holds up an index card that has "Hitler", next word is blackened out, and "A Donkey" written on it.]
Dave: You see, we're not even allowed to read the, uh, full title of that sketch. I mean, we're forced to talk like Gene Rayburn. You know: "Hitler _Blanks_ a Donkey." So, ah...
Kevin: Well, let's show you what we can.
Dave: Yeah.
[Cut to farm. Kevin on knees as a young boy. Dave smoking a pipe as the father.]
Kevin: Daddy--what's that bad man doin' to my pet donkey?
Dave: Why, that's not just a bad man, son. That...there...is Hitler. He's [bleep] your pet donkey.
[Kevin eyes widen as he looks on.]
[Cut to Bruce as Hitler groaning, grunting, and waving a donkey's tail in the camera.]
[Cut back to Kevin and Dave as father and son.]
Dave: Damn shame...
[Dave puts pipe in mouth.]
[Cut back to empty stage with Kevin and Dave as themselves.]
[Kevin is shaking his head in disapproval.]
Dave: I mean, uh, am I wrong? But, I think in light of the rise of neo-nazism around the world, I think that scene shows Hitler to be a pretty unpleasant character.
Kevin: Yes, Dave, he's one bad customer. I mean, if you were a young skin head would you want to emulate some sick donkey-blanker?
Dave: No. So you see: It was an important sketch, a positive sketch, and a censored sketch.
Kevin: As for this next sketch--we were just shocked when we found out it was censored.
Dave: Yes. We had never been given a, a plausible reason why it should be.
Kevin: So now...
[Kevin holds up and index card with title on it.]
Kevin: ..."The Home Run." Please, enjoy.
[Cut to hospital room. Touching music plays in background of entire scene. Dave is standing next to the hospital bed, as Big Joe, dressed in a baseball uniform. Bruce is in bed as "Cancer Boy".]
[**In the Comedy Central show Bruce is "That Dyin' Kid" instead.]
[Bruce has a mitt on his hand and is tossing a ball into it.]
Bruce: Hey, Joe. Would Joe hit a home run for me today?
Dave: Sure, anything for you Cancer Boy. Now you just get well, you hear?
[**In Comedy Central episode--Dave: Sure kid. Anything for you on account of your dyin'.]
[Cut to later the same day. Bruce is in bed listening to the old fashioned radio.]
Mark [Voice-over coming from radio]: Two outs, bottom of the ninth. It's a full count to Big Joe. He's had a rough day--he's O for 3 and it clearly off his stride. The pitcher looks in. Here's the pitch. It's a strike. Big Joe is outta there.
[**In Comedy Central episode--Mark [Voice-over coming from radio]: And it's two out, two on, bottom of the ninth and a full count to Big Joe. He's had a rough day--he's O for 3 and it completely off his stride. The pitcher looks in. Here's the pitch. It's a strike. Big Joe is outta there. Detroit wins seven to two.]
Dave: [Bleep] damn. It's that Cancer Boy. He put too much [bleep] pressure on me.
[**In Comedy Central episode--Dave: [bleep] damn. It's that dyin' kid. He put too much [bleep] pressure on me.]
Mark [V.O.]: [soft, barely heard over crowd, may be wrong] Big Joe puts the blame on some Cancer Boy he met earlier in the day. Well, we'll be back with that stats right after this.
[**In Comedy Central episode--Mark [V.O.]: [soft, barely heard over crowd, may be wrong] Big Joe puts the blame on some dyin' kid he met earlier in the day. We'll be back with that stats right after this.]
[Bruce reacts to Dave's words.]
[Cut to later.]
Dave: Sorry about that home run kid. I kinda had an off-day. I don't know if this will make it up to you. But, I got you a twenty dollar whore.
["Whore" enters room to the sound of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame" playing slowly on the organ.]
Bruce: Wow. Forget the home run Joe. Let me at that whore.
[Throws of his hat.]
Bruce: Yo! [claps]
[**In Comedy Central episode--the scene is cut after the line "Let me at that whore."]
[Cut back to Kevin and Dave on the empty stage.]
[Kevin shaking his head in disapproval.]
Kevin: Is, is there anything, is there anything more wholesome than a sports hero bringing a little joy to the like of a sick child?
Dave: I don't think so, Kevin. But, apparently, the networks would prefer if sick children did their suffering tastefully out of the public view.
Kevin: I guess so. This next sketch never even got a chance to be censored by the networks.
Dave: No. No, this scene was censored by the other Kids in the Hall.
Kevin: It's a little ditty we like to call...
[Kevin holds up an index card with the title on it.]
Kevin and Dave: [together] "Soup De Jour."
[Cut to Kevin and Dave at a table in a kitchen. Kevin is eating soup throughout.]
Dave: So do you like it?
Kevin: It's great, what's in it?
Dave: You really like it? Huh?
Kevin: Yes, I really like it.
Dave: Have some more.
Kevin: What is in it?
Dave: Now you really do like it, don't you?
Kevin: Yes, I really like it. What's in it?
Dave: Have some more and I'll tell you what's in it...I made it with my very own......
[Scene is cut.]
Cast:[Scott and Bruce are in office neatening up their desks for the weekend. Kevin enters in background and goes to a desk.]
- Scott-- Cathy
- Bruce-- Kathie
- Dave-- Elizabeth Ferguson
- Dave(2)-- boss of A.T. & Love
- Mark-- Tanya
- Kevin-- Erin
Scott: Have a nice weekend, Kathie.
Bruce: You too, Cath.
Scott: So, what are you going to do?
Bruce: For the weekend? Something outrageous.
Scott: Really?
Bruce: I'm going in-line skating. [giggles]
Scott: Be careful!
Bruce: [still giggling] I'm so nervous.
[Dave enters from right side holding a VHS cassette.]
Dave: Hold it everybody. Before you, uh, go there's a tape we've all been asked to watch.
[Mark enters, behind Dave. He is pushing a TV/VCR]
Scott: Oh! Come on! It's almost quitting time. You've got exactly thirty seconds.
Bruce: Well, it could be good.
Kevin: Maybe it's sports bloopers.
Bruce: Yeah, or some breakthrough typing technique that involves using your thumbs, ears, and elbows.
[Mark walks over next to Scott.]
Mark: Or maybe it's that, it's that, you know, Chuck Berry tape I heard about--the one with all those obscene sexual acts.
[Note: Although the Mark says Chuck Berry it is obvious it is a voice over, his lips don't match the spoken words.]
Scott: I'm in.
Mark: Yeah.
[Dave turns on the tape and Dave(2) pops up on the screen as the boss.]
All:: [together] Oh...
Dave(2): Hello employees of A.T. & Love. Look. I'm not that good at ingratiating myself, so I'll just get straight to the point: A.T. & Love is no more.
Scott, Mark and Kevin: [together] What?
Dave(2): That's right. We've been bought out. At least, I think that's the correct term. I'm a little confused as to the details, as I have been drinking since 9 a.m. [Dave(2) gives a thumbs-up.]
Bruce: I bet it's the Japanese.
Scott, Mark and Dave: Yeah.
Dave(2): Nope!
[Bruce, shocked, turns his attention to the T.V.]
Dave(2): Contrary to popular belief, the Japanese are not a company; they're a country. And countries do not buy out companies, companies do.
Scott and Mark: [together] Oh. [Nod "yes".]
Dave(2): So, the Japanese did not buy out Columbia, Sony did.
All:: Oh.
Mark: Oh. You know what? It's the Americans.
Scott: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah.
Scott: Yep.
Dave(2): Yes! Oddly enough, the Americans are a company. They bought us out; they think "A.T. & Love" is a stupid name, so they're shuttin' us down. As of now, you do not have jobs.
Mark: Oh my God.
Dave(2): Now, I know that you are all probably worrying about me. Well, don't. I've been paid a fifty-three million dollar golden parachute and am sailin' around the world. So, all ashore that's goin' ashore. Wee! [Pushes himself of screen in chair.]
[Bruce begins to panic. Mark and Scott try comforting him.]
Mark and Scott: [together] What?
Scott: What is it? What is it?
Bruce: It's my fault.
Mark and Scott: No.
Kevin: Why you, Kath?
Bruce: I didn't work hard enough. If I'd only worked harder. If I'd only...
Scott: [interrupting] Kathie, it's not your fault! I blame those damn Mexicans!
Mark: What? Why the Mexicans?
Scott: Because, I went there for two weeks and I never got laid.
Mark: Ha! How could you?
Scott: Tanya...
Mark: Umm. Well. I guess I better photocopy my resume while I still have access.
[Mark goes to the back of the set to the copy machine.]
Scott: Yeah.
[Scott walks closer to Bruce to comfort him. Mark puts his chest on the machine. Scott gets confused.]
Scott: Tanya. Tanya. What are you doing?
Mark: Photocopying my breasts--I'm going back to stripping.
Scott and Bruce: [together] Temp. Slut. Temp slut.
Scott: Oh...It's not the same.
Bruce: No...
Dave: Well, I'm going to do what any resourceful woman would do in a time of hardship--I'm going to steal toilet paper.
Kevin: Good idea!
[Dave, Kevin, and Mark exit in back.]
Scott: Kathie...
Bruce: What now Cath?
Scott: Oh, uh, I don't know. I'll probably just return to my hometown and marry my childhood sweetheart, Hair Man.
Bruce: I didn't know you have a childhood sweetheart.
Scott: Oh, yeah. He's the richest Mennonite in Kitchener. [Taps hand on stomach] Tick, tick.
Bruce: Yeah.
Scott: What about you? What are you gonna to do?
Bruce: I'm going to do what most of us are going to do, Cath. Get drunk for a few days. Gain six pounds.
Scott: Or ten.
Bruce: Yeah. And when the dust settles, I'll pick up the pieces and I'll get a job almost exactly like this one. I might get paid a little bit more.
Scott: Or less.
Bruce: Yeah. And it'll seem weird at first.
Scott: Yeah.
Bruce: But, then, I'll get used to it and one day...I'll bump into you at a laundromat.
Scott: Or skills exchange workshop.
Bruce: Yes. And we'll realize we've both moved on.
Scott: Oh...Kathie! I'm gonna...
Scott and Bruce: [together]...miss you. [They hug.]
[Kevin enters with arms full of pens.]
Kevin: Pens!! All you can carry!
[Dave enters. Mark follows carrying arms full of toilet paper.]
Dave: Come on, Tanya. Come, come, come, come.
Mark: Yeah. Where do you want it?
Dave: Just put them there. [motioning to a desk] I'll gather them later.
[Mark does as told. Dave walks up to Scott and Bruce, followed by Mark and Kevin.]
Mark: Well, you know, I figure they owe us for all the time we put in here...however temporarily.
[All five are now standing shoulder to shoulder. From left to right: Scott, Dave, Mark, Kevin and then Bruce.]
Scott: Yeah. Wow. Five years, eh?
Mark, Dave, and Bruce: Yeah...
[Kevin nods "Yes."]
Kevin: I'll really miss you guys--we're "family."
Scott and Mark: Yeah.
Dave: No we're not! My family isn't even family.
Kevin: That's what I meant.
Dave: Oh. You're right.
Scott and Mark: Yeah.
Bruce: Oh, yeah.
Mark: Could we have a group hug?
Scott: Yeah.
Mark: Yeah.
Scott: Come on, come on.
[They all do, except Dave who, looking peeved, tries to get away, but can't.]
Dave(2): I almost forgot. We will be requiring that you all turn in your security passes, your coffee mugs, oh, and your wigs.
Mark: What?
All:: Oh...
Dave(2): Well, adios.
[They all take their wigs off.]
Scott: Well, bye.
Dave: Bye.
Scott: Bye.
Bruce and Kevin: [together] Bye.
[They exit the set from the front: Scott, Dave, Bruce, Kevin, then Mark. The lights go down and the audience stands. They stand for a moment, wave and bow a bit then walk off.]
[Cut to: a grave in a field with all five in it. They proceed to be buried alive by two people over credits and "Having and Average Weekend." The credits end and the camera is covered with dirt.]
[Cut to: the grave with a flower on it and a huge tombstone that reads: "The Kids in the Hall TV Show 1989-1995." The crowds aws until Paul Bellini, in towel, comes into view with accompanying music. He steps on the still fresh dirt.]Paul: Thank God that's finally over.
[He picks up the flower and dances a bit.]
[End.]