All Transcripts
• The Accent Class--If you want to work in dinner theatre, listen to him. (1991)• The Affair--Story of the secret affair. (1990/91)
• Again. Again!--This old man, he wants it AGAIN. (1994)
• The Agents: Last Call--The kid almost broke them. (1994)
• Anal Probing Aliens--What's the point? (1993)
• Annoying Forgetful Guy--Man can't understand a story about a guy and Betty. (1991/92)
• Answer the Phone--What kind of a *freak* would be calling Bruce? (1990)
• Are ETs Dull?--In-depth reporting one just how exciting extraterrestrials are. (1989)
• Arrogant Boss--He's going to take the idea and make it better, or whatever. (1991/92)
• Ascertain--People are just jealous of his command of English. (1991/92)
• After the Hockey Game--Lesile, the Vampire fag, and Brad, who's not queer. (1989/90)
• Answering Machine Message--Husband and wife make their answering machine greeting. (1993)
• Apathetic Robbery--A thief is driven into a homicidal frenzy. (1989)
• Apollo, The Rude--Who does he think he is?! (1989)
• Armada: The Cameraman--A tribute to Buster Keaton's film of the same name? (1994)
• Armada: Check--A practice session. (1994)
• Armada: End of Armada--From last episode. (1994)
• Armada: Mute--... (1994)
• Armada: Nice Face--A glimpse into their creative process. (1994)
• Art Collector--Man negotiates price for "art" piece to add to his collection. (1993)
• Asleep On The Job--He firmly denies it. (1991)
• A.T. & Love: Brown Stuff--It's brown stuff and it's coming out of his mouth. (1994)
• A.T. & Love: Don't Blame the Clown--It's easy to point the finger at the clown. (1991)
• A.T. & Love: Naked!--Damnit, he DID write the report naked! (1994)
• A.T. & Love is Sold--From last episode. (1994)
• Awards Show--Presenting the Best Actor award. It's a three-way tie. (1991)
• Axe Murderer: Can He Borrow Your Axe?--He was a bit clumsy with his own. (1991)
• Axe Murderer: Door-To-Door Knife Sharpener--Axe Murderer needs his blade sharpened during a murder. (1993)
• Baby--A babyless couple talks to mother in the park. (1989/90)
• Bad Straight Man--Both Parts. McGillicutty and Greene. (1989/90)
• Ballet School--The cruel ballet school teacher favors her star pupil. (1989/90)
• Barbershop--What happens when Clem's haircut is done before he finishes his tall tales. (1989/90)
• The Bass Player--There's sadness in his smile. (1989/90)
• Bathroom 12 Step--A support group for men who used to be tyrannized by their bladders. (1990/91)
• The Beard--He's got a beard and she's says he's full of beans. (1994)
• The Beatles?--Man baits another man with a story about his crazy dad. (1993)
• Becoming an Indian Woman--Boy decides to become an Indian woman. (1989/90)
• Beginning of the End--From last episode. (1994)
• Bellini Day--A day of buttermilk, trout, and disco carols. (1994)
• Bellini Speaks--In case you forgot what he said/From last episode. (1994)
• Big Bucks--A Bruce McCulloch short film. (1994)
• Big Fan Of The Garbage Collectors--He really loves his work...? (1991/92)
• Big Guy Guys--Three men who take pride in their huge guts. (1991/92)
• Bim Bam Baby--The most handsome man in the world. (1990/91)
• Birth of a Nation--A quick history lesson. (1990/91)
• Blame for Blue Jays Loss--Cabbie blames "certain people." (1991/92)
• Bleeding Ear--It's really nothing; it's probably just from a cold. (1994)
• Blonde Mechanic--The mechanic with the beautiful blonde locks. (1989/90)
• Blues Man Wannabe--The faux blues man from Vermont. (1989/90)
• Boiled Potatoes--Well, I do have another idea... (1994)
• Broadway Broads Backstage--Alfonsa and Shirley talk to Jeremy about his performance. (1990/91)
• Bruce: 17 Inches--He thought he was 5'7" (1991)
• Bruce: The Big Crouton--A story. (1989)
• Bruce: Bikini Inspector--A Bruce McCulloch monologue. (1994)
• Bruce: Fabio World--Monologue by Brucio.(1994)
• Bruce: The Hangover--Bruce tells the details. (1993)
• Bruce: How to Break into Showbiz--A monologue by Bruce McCulloch. (1992)
• Bruce: I Did Not Find Love. . .--A Bruce McCulloch monologue on Love. (1994)
• Bruce: Jazz Schmazz--Monologue by Bruce. (1991)
• Bruce: Life's A Pretty Sweet Fruit--It's so true! (1989)
• Bruce: Minimum Wage--Bruce considers the offer. (1991)
• Bruce: My Regrets--Now that season three was ending, Bruce presents things he wished they did. (1992)
• Bruce: Night I Connected With My Dog--A Bruce McCulloch monologue. (1993)
• Bruce: Old People--A Bruce McCulloch monologue. (1994)
• Bruce: Open Letters--Bruce monologues addressed to the guy who stole his bike wheel and those stood by and watched. (1991/92)
• Bruce: Poo Guy--Bruce wishes people could understand why he did the ads. (1990)
• Bruce: Larry's Mother--Potato salad! (1991)
• Bruce: Sandwich People--Bruce talks about various kinds of people. (1993)
• Bruce: Screw The Bank--Whoa. What is *he* doing in a bank? (1989)
• Bruce: Star-Crossed Lovers--Similar love to Romeo and Juliet. (1989/90)
• Bruce: That's America--Bruce talks about America. (Series-1990; Shame Based Man-1995)
• Bruce: The Voices--Bruce shares his torment. (1993)
• Bruce, The Defendant--Bruce is charged with being an asshole. (1990)
• Bruce Tried Suicide--Discussing his suicide note with the guys. (1990/91)
• Bruce's Double--Bruce meets a man who could be his identical twin. (1991)
• Bruce's Double 2--Jumping to "Dad Died".
• Buddy: Bar Closes--From last episode. (1994)
• Buddy: Cemetary--Buddy remembers a friend. (1993)
• Buddy: Chalet 2000--Buddy Cole, a Queen, and a beaver. (1993)
• Buddy: Dinosaurs--Ominous developments in the gay bar community. (1989/90)
• Buddy: Everybody Knew Who Everybody Was--In the old days, the men knew who the men were... (1993)
• Buddy: I'm Canadian--He's not just an actor, singer, dancer, and model. (1989/90)
• Buddy: In Jail--Buddy explains how he got put in prison. (1990/91)
• Buddy: In The Woods--Buddy spots a wood nymph. (1990/91)
• Buddy: The Kafuffle--The private correspondence between he and the Queen. (1990/91)
• Buddy: Love at First Sight--Buddy discusses the notion of love at first sight. (1988)
• Buddy: The Male Slave--The care and keep of the Male Slave. (1994)
• Buddy: Miss Elenor Parrissi--Buddy's search for a new lover. (1992)
• Buddy: Montreal--Monologue about Mario from Montreal. (1994)
• Buddy: On The Races--Buddy comments on what "they say" about the races. (1989)
• Buddy: On Outing--Why is being outed a bad thing? (1990/91)
• Buddy: Paris--Even the Fact Of Life girls found love in Paris. (1991/92)
• Buddy: Performs Marriage Ceremony--The marriage of David to David. (1994)
• Buddy: Plays Softball--Buddy manages the Sappho Sluggers. (1990/91)
• Buddy: Stranded on a Desert Island--With Oscar Wilde. (1989/90)
• Buddy: Virtual Reality--Buddy Cole monologue. (1993)
• Buddy/Tammy: Introducing Tammy--Tammy meets the press. (1991)
• Burglar--Wife walks in on husband and thief in bed, but he's not gay again. (1991/92)
• Businessman Slump--Gerald, the other Gerald's appointment, is in a slump. (1990)
• Businessmen Networking--The Geralds network at a business party. (1989/90)
• But Do You Love *Me*?--Woman fishes for the answer she wants to hear. (1988)
• But First...--The whores! (1991)
• Butt Freak Film Buff--He really likes Deliverance. (1994)
• Buy Us Beer?--They just look young for their ages. (1991)
• Bye Stan--Stan says goodbye to everyone for the weekend. (1994)
• Cabbage Head: Goes on a Date--His blind date isn't going very well. (1989/90)
• Cabbage Head: Goodnight Nookie--Cabbage Head gets his date to let him in for a drink. (1988)
• Cabbage Head: Wants a Date--He tries to seduce women in a restaurant. (1990/91)
• Cabbie Delivers Rush-Hour Baby--But legitimate fares come first. (1993)
• Cameraman Memorial--Nina and the news crew give Ted Riley, Deceased cameraman a send-off. (1993)
• Canada Abandons the Monarchy--The Queen interrupts a broadcast of raging rivers. (1991)
• Cathy: Scandalous Weekend--She meets someone who likes to dance. (1990/91)
• Cathy/Kathie sketches
• The Cat--Versus the bird. (1989/90)
• Cause of Cancer--The troupe discovered Bruce is the cause of cancer. (1989/90)
• Celebrity Encounters--They discuss Mickey Rooney and small "c" celebrities. (1991/92)
• Censored Sketches--Hitler Blanks A Donkey, The Homerun, Soup de Jour/From last episode. (1994)
• Chad's 13th Birthday--He must watch his father get drunk. (1993)
• Chalet 2000--Buddy Cole, a Queen, and a beaver. (1993)
• Chance Meeting--The story of Margaret, Sandra, and the director. (1994)
• Charades--One man leaves and one man dies while playing charades. (1990/91)
• Chicken Lady: Date--Man answers her personal ad. (1990/91)
• Chicken Lady: First--Really not a "chicken lady" skit. Go to sketch entitled Freak Show.
• Chicken Lady: Horsey--The worst mall promotion I've ever seen. (1994)
• Chicken Lady: House I Grew Up In--At least, she thinks it is. (1993)
• Chicken Lady: Strip Club--Chicken Lady meets Rooster Boy (1991/92)
• Child Molester's Jam--Jam contest at the county fair. (1991)
• Cincinnati Kid vs. Toronto Kid--The Cincinnati Kid comes looking for him. (1990/91)
• Citizen Kane--It was Citizen Kane...or maybe it was Pyscho. (1989)
• Cleanest Town in North America--It's a point of pride. (1994)
• Comedy, Inc.--Starring the "I Wanna Raise" Guy. (1991)
• Confusing Names--Banning, Manning, or Fanning. One is going to die. (1993)
• Convenience Store--An review of a worker's worth. (1994)
• Cops: Abandoned Potato--Who would abandon a perfectly good potato? (1991/92)
• Cops: Affording a Duck--Affording a duck on a cop's salary. (1990/91)
• Cops: Bubble Bath--Boy, he'd like a bubble bath. (1990/91)
• Cops: Bust the Queen--Ever have that dream? (1990)
• Cops: The Chase--The cops see some escaped convicts. (1990/91)
• Cops: Did You Kill That Guy?--First three parts of the series. (1994)
• Cops: Did You Kill That Guy? - The Conclusion--Parts 1, 2, and 4. (1994)
• Cops: Don't Love Dad--Never told his Dad he loved him. (1990/91)
• Cops: Flying Pig--The Flying Pig and the Cops cross paths. (1991)
• Cops: Keys--They actually arrested someone. (1990/91)
• Cops: Long Night at a Crime Scene--And to top things off, Sarge lost his badge. (1991)
• Cops: Marching Band Killer--He had a motive. (1994)
• Cops: Poses--Trying out new cop poses. (1990/91)
• Cops: Refrigerator Sounds--He demonstrates the sound his fridge makes. (1993)
• Cops: Rollerblading --It's madness. (1994)
• Cops: The Rookie--All 3 parts. The cops make it tough on the rookie. (1993)
• Cops: Shift's Over--He can't make the arrest now; his shift is over. (1991/92)
• Cops: Sleeping on the Squad Car--He fell asleep on the hood of the car. (1991/92)
• Cops: Standoff--They are outside a house. (1990/91)
• Cops: Ticketing Car--He has to ticket his own car. (1990/91)
• Cops: Undercover--The whores smell the cops from a mile away. (1993)
• Cops: Vacation Picture--He shows the picture from his trip to Europe. (1993)
• Cops: Visiting Grave of Ticket Recipient--A visit to the cemetery to visit grave of first traffic ticket. (1990/91)
• Cop Impersonator--Drunk guy pretends to be a cop. (1989/90)
• Country Doctor--The leisurely country doctor comes to save the farmer. (1989/90)
• Couple Disowns Son--Disillusioned parents hold a press conference. (1990/91)
• Couple Exercises--We learn I'm Late, Break Up and Get Right Back Together Again, and Loud Sex. (1994)
• Court: The Murder Trial--I'd never lie under oath...not to *God.* (1991)
• Crab Shampoo--Buying Canadian crab shampoo for Canadian crabs in a Canadian drug store. (1994)
• Crazy Love--Girls discuss cutest boy on death row. (1989/90)
• Creative Possibilities--Office-->Submarine (1994)
• Custody--Mom, Dad, or. . . (1991)
• Dad Died--Is it a scam? And, part 2 of Bruce's lookalike. (1991)
• Daddy Drank--And he'd never buy you a puppy. This is one version; have the other? (1990)
• Danny Husk: Blade Rogers--Apparently Danny appeared in the Marx Bros. classic, "Room Serviced." (1991/92)
• Danny Husk: Husk Musk--The bottled scent of Danny. (1994)
• Danny Husk: Nipples--Danny Husk wants his wife to pay his nipples more attention. (1991)
• The Darcy Pennell Show: Fashions for the Ugly Woman--How wouldn't want a hat that's a "Spike in the Head? (1989/90)
• Darrill: Daydreaming--He unlocks a world of imagination beyond the Oompah Band. (1993)
• Darrill: Feelyat--Darrill is a contestant game show. Also listed under "Feelyat." (1994)
• Darrill: Foot Energy--We're introduced to his cousin Neev and scientist friend, Carlo. (1994)
• Darrill: Painting with the Inner Child--All great paintings have an element of tragedy. (1991)
• Darrill: The Worst Waiter--While waiting 5 long minutes, they realize he's not a very good waiter. (1991/92)
• Darrill: Remembering Momma--Darrill tells his date about his mother. (1991/92)
• Date Negotiations--Dinner, dancing, and intercourse? (1989/90)
• Date Preparations--Never aired--Getting ready for anything. (1994)
• Dave: Bad Doctor--He's not boasting, he's just stating a fact. (1990)
• Dave: Christ Wasn't a Very Good Carpenter--It's seems he few other options (1990)
• Dave: Communist Threat--A Dave Foley monologue. (1994)
• Dave: Fletcher Christian--Not that one. (1989/90)
• Dave: Folk Music--A discussion of folk music (1989)
• Dave: Good Attitude Towards Menstruation--You know he has (1989/90)
• Dave: Letter to a Guy In Hospital--A monologue/letter to a guy Dave clotheslined. (1993)
• Dave: Mass Murderer Monologue--The difficulties (1989/90)
• Dave: On The Subject of Me--Dave on the subject of himself. (1991/92)
• Dave: Sketch Artist--Able to draw people he's never seen based only on their voice. (1991/92)
• The Daves I Know--The Daves that Bruce knows. (1989/90)
• Dave Foley / An Elk--Some people can't seem to tell them apart. (1994)
• David Foley's Power/Mark McKinney's Confession--Just as the title says. (1988)
• Dawn of the Dead--Silly parody of the movie. (1989/90)
• Dean and Lex: Prison--Lex visits Dean in prison. (1993)
• Dean and Lex: Videos--Dean borrows videos from Lex. (1992)
• Death Experience--A guy who never gets bored of dying. (1989/90)
• The Death of Living Proof--Dead or alive, they're going on with the tour. (1994)
• The Death of Rock--Bobby vs. Mr Gorgenchuck (1989/90)
• Decorator Demon--Mr. Cherry remodels. (1990/91)
• Deja Vu--Guys fighting in alley, one gets deja vu. (1989/90)
• Depressed Vaudevillians--A vaudevillian act you just have to be in the mood for. (1989/90)
• Detective Peter Prince--Kitty is missing. (1993)
• Die In The House I Was Born In--Not that he lives there anymore. (1989)
• Dipping Areas--Can mousse and dipping areas coexist on one plate? (1994)
• Documentary--Man wishes to recreate the moment he was fired. (1994)
• Doe A Deer--The Kids in the Hall interpretation. (1993)
• Donut Shop--Of hot plates and dying cats. (1989/90)
• The Doors--A man in a record store thinks about getting a Doors album. (1990/91)
• Dr. Seuss Bible--You know; you love it; you can't live without it. (1989)
• Drunk As a Crow--Is he stupid because he's drunk, or drunk because he's stupid? (1993)
• Dull Since the Heart Attack--Not one, but two of them have been. (1993)
• The Earrings Are His--It's the 90's. Men wear earrings. (1991)
• Editors--Book editors who aren't afraid to edit any and everything they see. (1989/90)
• The Elusive Boyfriend--He could be lying about not lying. (1993)
• Encyclopedia Salesman--Uh, ya lost me. (1994)
• The Eradicator--Let the carnage begin. (1989/90)
• Evan: Shoe Salesman--He sells shoes, and so he always shall. (1990/91)
• Evan: Stereo Salesman--He sells sounds; isn't everyone into sound? (1994)
• Ever Beat Up Your Dad?--Scott asks the question. (1990)
• Executives Spank Grandfathers--The Geralds talk on the phone. (1991/92)
• Ex-Girlfriend Relocation Program--A guy enlists their services. (1994)
• Fag!--Just a man dressing his best to get the paper. (1991)
• Farmer With a Tail--The story of a farmer. (1989/90)
• Feelyat--The foreign game show. (1994)
• Fight Picker--Looking to start a fight in three short sketches. (1994)
• Final Episode--Transcript of entire last show. (1994)
• Fine Ham Abounds--F-in' good ham. (1990/91)
• Firing Chris--Chris can't hold down a job. (1990/91)
• First Poem--Bobby, angered by world, writes first poem. (1989/90)
• Flying Pig (1): Bank Line-Up--The Flying Pig and a line-up, what could it be about? (1991)
• Flying Pig (2): Lottery Line-Up--It's the Flying Pig; it's about a line-up. Sheesh, you people. (1991)
• Flying Pig (3): Cops--The Flying Pig and the Cops cross paths. (1991)
• Flying Pig (4): Free Food Line-Up--The Flying Pig is. . .dead? (1991)
• Food In The Moustache--Executive has cucumber salad on face. (1990/91)
• Forbidden Love--A boring teacher has an exciting love life. (1989/90)
• 45 Year Old Guy: Vegetarian Chilli--Just a regular family dinner. (1991/92)
• 45 Year Old Guy: Sharing a Joint--The hip guy asks his son if he wants to share a joint. (1991/92)
• Fran: Waiting for Brian and Gordon--Gordon's down there springing Brian. (1994)
• Fran and Gordon: Aunt Barb and Cousin Rena--Parts One and Two--Of sleeping and sleepwalking. (1991)
• Fran and Gordon: Brian's Bombshell--Fran tells about her "shy" son. (1988)
• Fran and Gordon: Getting Fired--Gordon is fired. (1990/91)
• Fran and Gordon: Progress In Food--Fran learns about salsa, peanut sauce, and meals in a pill. (1993)
• Fran and Gordon: Salty Ham --Gordon complains about Fran's salty ham. (1989)
• Francesca Fiore: Grammar--English is complicate (1994)
• Francesca Fiore & Mr. Tisane: Divorce Court--She hits him. Hits him hard. (1993)
• Francesca Fiore: Parfums Commercial--Smell like a bitch. (1993)
• Francesca Fiore: Retelling A Complicated Italian Movie--A man tries. (1990/91)
• Francesca Fiore: Spy Models--Francesca film about the backstage antics of runway models. (1991/92)
• The Fraud--Businessman fears he will be exposed as the fraud he is. (1993)
• Freak Show--The man whose nose bleeds at will and the Chicken Lady's intro. (1990)
• The Friendly Couples--Nina's husband makes a "pass" at his old friend's wife. (1990/91)
• Gavin: The Babysitter--Gavin falls for his babysitter. (1991/92)
• Gavin: Butcher Shop--Gavin prices meat. (1991)
• Gavin: Chair Painter--There's this guy and he's paintin' a chair. (1990/91)
• Gavin: Funeral--Gavin attends his mother's funeral. (1992)
• Gavin: Pestering Mom--Gavin eats a fish to get his mom off the phone. (1990/91) • Gavin: Police Department--He'd like to register a complaint, and report a guy who leaks. (1994)
• Gavin: The Preachers--Gavin is visited by door-to-door religious missionaries. (1993)
• Getting a Check at a Restaurant--I don't want it now. (1990/91)
• Gezbo, The Video Selling Clown--Act now and get something in a box. (1993)
• Girls! Girls! Girls!--Man finds the Headcrusher after following a sign for girls. (1991/92)
• Gimmel 100--It does everything but pay for itself. (1991)
• Girl Drink Drunk--It tastes like candy. (1991)
• God Is Dead--First, he existed. Second, he's dead. (1994)
• Golf--How's golfing out there? (1991/92)
• The Governor and The Hooker--Governor talks with hooker in hotel room. (1990/91)
• Governor's Wrong Number--It's not the state prison. (1993)
• Grizzly--Man encounters a "bear" while hunting for "chicks." (1994)
• Guy That Wants To Get Beaten Up--He thinks he has it coming to him. (1990/91)
• The Gunfighter--A Gunfighter show a man to watch him die. (1989)
• He's Gonna Give Away $1000--Someone gets $1000 and someone gets punched. (1990/91)
• Headcrusher: The Kid--Mr. Tiscic and a businessman to be. (1989)
• Headcrusher: Nobody's Home--Mr. Tiscic and his friend, Misha (1989/90)
• Headcrusher: Old Lady/Battle--A man tries to save an old lady from the Headcrusher. (1988)
• Headcrusher: Physical Therapy--He wants more dimmydab. (1990/91)
• Headcrusher: Wall Street--Mr. Tiscic and Merrill Lynch and the Flathead. (1989)
• Headcrusher: Working Stiffs--The HeadCrusher crushes yuppies' heads. (1988)
• Headcrusher quits for the Night--Or does he? (1988)
• Headcrusher vs. Facepincher--There can be only one. (1990/91)
• Heart Channel--Don't tell him what happened, he's taping it. (1994)
• Helping or Hurting?--Businessman just stares at acquaintance, but good and bad come of it. (1991/92)
• The Heavy Pen--Sequel to "The Grains of Sand of Time of Destiny." (1990/91)
• Heroin Junkie--He explains heroin will always come first and her second.(1993)
• Hey Man--Mild mannered businessman versus street hoods.(1989)
• Hillbilly's Problem--The lucky penny ain't so lucky. (1994)
• Hired Gun Concession Stand--Gunfighter that runs a concession stand. (1989)
• The Hit--A man hires an assassin to to kill himself. (1994)
• Hitler Blanks a Donkey--Part of Censored Sketches/From last episode. (1994)
• The Homerun--Part of Censored Sketches/From last episode. (1994)
• Horny Patient--While examining, nurse gets very close to Mr. Bilbo. (1991/92)
• Horsey Is Your Daddy--Mother reveals horsey is really Daddy. And another Old Yeller conclusion. (1991/92)
• Hotel La Rut--All three parts. Hotel where everyone's in a rut. (1989/90)
• How Businessmen Relax--Tense businessmen go to the gym to relax. (1989/90)
• How Did This Happen?--Man wonders how did this happen. (1989/90)
• Humans for Humanity: Sperm Bank--Shona wishes to increase her family unit. (1994)
• Idiot Boy, Assistant--Idiot Boy has a job. (1994)
• If Elvis Were My Landlord--42 tenants can't be wrong. (1989)
• Immortal Comforter--They've never seen him before, but he's there for them. (1994)
• Impromptu Tractor with Kids--Impromptu tractor formed with children. (1989/90)
• Incompetent Receptionist--He works for Berman, Berman, and Sfrontzel. (1993)
• Indian Drum--Someone lost an indian drum; someone found an indian drum. (1989/90)
• Interrational Couple--White girl brings home black boyfriend to meet her parents. (1989/90)
• I Speak No English--Man wants to find a shoe store from a man who "speaks not a word of English." (1991)
• It's a Fact--All the "It's a Fact" sketches. (1990-1992)
• Journey Called Bernie--Lyrics to the step climbing journey. (1995)
• Just One Guy--Dave can't see the Kevin is just one guy. (1995)
• Kathie Becomes a Booster--Kathie becomes a fan of the happy chirpy Blue Jays team. (1993)
• Kathie the Mean Mistreater--Kathie & Mississippi Gary talk about their relationship. (1989/90)
• Kathie/Cathy: A.T.&Love is Sold--From last episode. (1994)
• Kathie/Cathy: Decaf--The morning they switched to De-caf. (1992)
• Kathie/Cathy: Gossip--There's gossip and then there's common knowledge. (1989/90)
• Kathie/Cathy: Is He?--Kathie and Cathy try to decide is the new guy is gay. (1989/90)
• Kathie/Cathy: Tanya's Last Day--They are competing with a lot of other parties. (1992)
• Kathie/Cathy: Sex With The Dry-Cleaner--...so she'd get her dry-cleaning done faster. (1994)
• Kevin: Junk Mail Saved My Life--A Kevin McDonald monologue. (1994)
• Kevin: Talks With His Clothes--His pants are acting up. (1994)
• Kevin's Sexiness--He is sexy; yes, he is. (1994)
• Kevin Sleeping--Bringing out his inner sexiness to you. (1991)
• Knocked Unconscious--A businessman knocked unconscious awakens in hopes of seeing some naked choices. (1990)
• Lady is a Tramp--A trick that lasts 50 years. (1990)
• Lamp Accident--Barry must break the news to Monica and little Donny. (1989/90)
• Laundromat Business Opportunities--Are you trying to buy my dirty underwear? (1994)
• Le Poupee--They love Kevin in France. (1994)
• Lesbian House Tour--Never aired--Hairtotoe tour parades. (1994)
• Leslie De Gaulle Trio--aka Career Ending Moments in Show Business. (1990/91)
• Let Me In--Man fighting with wife demands to be let into the house. (1989)
• Let the Flirting Begin--A gong show. (1993)
• Licking The Lobster--He licks a lobster for luck. (1993)
• The Life of Cyril St. John--A 70s-style documentary on an escape artist. (1993)
• Liposuction--Song about the process of liposuction. (1990)
• Liquidation Sale--What are you doing? You'll break it. (1994)
• Lonely City--A bartender tells of the signs. (1989/90)
• Looking for Frank--He doesn't misdial, so he assumes you're lying. (1993)
• Love Me--C'mon a cow died for this steak. (1989)
• Lovers--Lovers discuss chickens, ovens, a vagina, and future bliss. (1994)
• Mad With Power--Joel goes mad with his moderate amount of power. (1994)
• Make Me Puke--When adding this skit, I darn near puked. (1994)
• Making Up the News--News anchorman cracks up. (1990/91)
• Male Prostitute Greeting Card Writer--Never aired--Interview for a job. (1994)
• Man Boobs--Man asks if he's always had breasts, or are they new. (1991/92)
• Man of Destiny--Living in the the moment, forgetting his date with destiny. (1994)
• Man Sexually Harasses Himself--Man is put on trial for sexually harassing himself. (1991/92)
• Manny Koon--A debauched artist addresses the graduating class of the Ontario Art College. (1989/90)
• Mark: Everyone's Friend--Mark's monologue about his perfect life until the day his life changed forever. (1988)
• Mark: The Happy Loner--Talk about a stubbed toe. (1990/91)
• Mark: The Modern Hero--The story of a modern day hero. (1989)
• Mark: Preacher Character--The time has never been more right. (1989/90)
• Mark: Secret of Nudity--Hey, look at the naked guy! (1993)
• Mark: Selling the Farm--A short little piece. (1989)
• Mark: Truck Owner--How Bobby's father built his empire. (1989)
• Mark: Trucker Businessman--Truck Owner makes a phone call. (1990/91)
• Mark: Plungers--Ah, for the free enterprise spirit. (1991)
• Marriages--A woman repeatedly marries the wrong guy. (1991/92)
• McDonalds/Airport Movie Series--Kevin talks about the similarities. (1993)
• Mean Doctor--He could be losing his touch. (1990/1)
• Meeting Ed McMahon--Ed is in Saskatchewan? (1991/92)
• Melanie: Grocery Store Line-Up--Melanie falls in love with an impatient man in line. (1990/91)
• Melanie: Parents Are Away--Melanie and her date in her parent's bedroom. (1990/91)
• Melanie: Rollerblades--Melanie meets someone who really loves rollerblading. (1993)
• Message to Math Teachers--The domestic whores have a message. (1990)
• Message to Richard Nixon--The domestic whores have a message. (1990/91)
• Millionaires--Millionaires in the garbage. (1988)
• Mississippi Gary: Heckler--Mississippi Gary is heckled. (1990/91)
• Mississippi Gary: Life After Death--Gary sings a song about his experience. (1991/92)
• Momma Compensation--She's a bitch goddess. (1989/90)
• Money Momentum--Gord eats money, he loves it that much. (1990)
• Monique, The Pyromaniac--Everyone likes a fire, and it's Christmas. (1989)
• The Monkeys--Be afraid. Be very afraid; he might let the monkeys loose. (1994)
• The Moon--Three men wax poetic. (1990/91)
• The Mouse--It's just a mouse. (1991)
• Mr Heavyfoot Hates The Movie--He gets up early but still leaves late. (1991/92)
• Mr Heavyfoot Puts on His Pants--It requires harnesses, lifts, and wires. (1991/92)
• Mr Tisane & Francesca Fiore: Divorce Court--She hits him. Hits him hard. (1993)
• Mr Tisane: Tea Addiction--He tries living without it. (1994)
• Mr Tisane: The Tea Factory--Give him a tea, ya bastard. (1991/92)
• Mushroom Boy--A monologue by the Mushroom Boy. (1994)
• My Gazebo!--Just not enough gazebos to go around. (1994)
• My God They Can Read My Thoughts--Man is stunned to discover fellow businessmen can read his "thoughts." (1993)
• My Hands--He's not stoned; he's just noticing things. (1994)
• My Routine--Just your every day procedures. (1989/90)
• My Training--Man neglects home life to concentrate on bathtub soaking competition. (1994)
• Naked For Jesus--Are you just naked, or are you naked for Jesus? (1988)
• The Nasty Break-Up--Good thing they never did anything stupid like get married. (1990)
• Navy Captain--Forget women and children. Captain and his favorites first. (1991/92)
• New Boots--Need a job? Have steel-toed boots? (1994)
• New Dog--So, what does it do? (1991)
• New Poets, New Philsophers--A search of humanity. (1994)
• New Yorkers: Deer By The Water--Two NYers see a bear. (1993)
• The Night of the Cow--Ingrid was a heifer. (1992)
• Nipples--Danny Husk wants his wife to pay his nipples more attention. (1991)
• Nobody Likes Us Guys: Bank Loan--They can't get a loan because Elinor doesn't like them. (1989/90)
• Nobody Likes Us Guys: Think I'll Go Eat Worms--"Nobody Likes Us" guys sing on a bus. (1989/90)
• Not an Experienced Cannibal--He didn't get on the plan expecting to eat *anyone.* (1993)
• Not Fat--The hitchhiker's not fat; he's never gonna be fat again (1989/90)
• No Smoking--You're not allowed to smoke on the subway. (1990/91)
• Nutty Bunny--Nutty Bunnies frolic in the field. (1990/91)
• The Odds--In parachuting and in marriage. (1989/90)
• Old Lady Falls Down--The cops don't get involved when a man helps an old lady up. (1991/92)
• Old Yeller--Kids in the Hall present conclusions to Old Yeller. (1991/92)
• One of These Five Men. . .--. . .has something interesting to say. (1991)
• One Step At A Time--Taking things one clinging, jealous step at a time. (1989/90)
• Oversensitive Guy--The Oversensitive Guy's girlfriend dumps him. (1988)
• Paranoid Office Worker--He gives them credit even though they are all against him. (1990/91)
• Pear Dream--A man repeatedly wakes up from the pear dream. (1989/90)
• The Pen--A bank teller lost the pen he does his work with. (1991/92)
• The Phantom of the Warehouse--Stories about the ultimate bad boss are retold. (1991/92)
• The Phone Show/Touch Paul Bellini--Touch Paul Bellini contest is announced. (1990/91)
• Pie-Eating Contest Love--Nina and husband find out how their friends met. (1989/90)
• Ping Pong--All 3 parts. The annoying ping pong watcher's commentary. (1989/90)
• Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Employee-Employer Exchange--They switch jobs. (1993)
• Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Hecubus Is Fired--For drinking. Sir Simon tries to replace him. (1991/92)
• Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Hypnosis--They attempt to hypnotize Tony Henderson. (1990/91)
• Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Proof of Evil--Do not fear the evil that surrounds you. (1990/91)
• Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Multiple Personalities--Inside Hecubus' unnormal mind. (1993)
• Pit of Ultimate Darkness: Simon's Date--Sir Simon dines with one Miss Helen Bathgate. (1991)
• Pitiful Mechanic--Would you unleash Tucker on your car? (1993)
• Pizza Parlor--You know, "The Neve Campbell" sketch. (1992)
• Please, Please, Please Guy: Cable--Please, please, please don't shut off his cable.(1994)
• Please, Please, Please Guy: Roll My Wife Over?--Please, please, please roll his wife over. (1994)
• Poems by the Emperor of Japan--And he feels the need to share them. (1991/92)
• Poker Game--Five men discuss things, like being a woman, during a game of cards (1989)
• Pole Vaulter Olympic Tragedy--Tragedy at the Olympics. (1989/90)
• Police Dept.--Isn't it easier to think of them as Cops? They're people, not objects!! Also, it's more towards the top of the list. . .
• Poor Attempt At An Affair--Husband runs into wife and her lover on plane. (1993)
• Por-eef!--The bite of beef and the smokey texture of pork. (1994)
• The Power of My Cock!--A man who believes in the power of his cock... too bad no one else believes. (1989/90)
• Premise Beach--People who should run for office and gift-heads. (1989/90)
• Pre-Vacation Family Blowout--The family blowout before the trip. (1989/90)
• Problem With Relationships--Bad luck? Or, psychiatric help needed? (1994)
• Raj and Christine: Temporary Roommates--She contributes; she shoplifted for him. (1994)
• Queen: Canada Abandons the Monarchy--The Queen interrupts a broadcast of raging rivers. (1991)
• Queen: Chalet 2000--Buddy Cole, a Queen, and a beaver. (1993)
• Queen: Farts--Truth or Dare with commoners. (1994)
• Queen: The Kafuffle--The private correspondence between he and the Queen. (1990/91)
• Raj and Christine: Extreme Argument--They don't sit at their regular table, and then the trouble begins. (1993)
• Raj and Christine: In the Store--Talk about their freaky day. (1991/92)
• The Real Buddy Holly--Does it need an explanation? (1989)
• Reg--Five men's buddy Reg. (1988)
• A Relaxing Trip to the Farm--A businessman likes it. (1990/91)
• Relationship Section--Couples sits in relationship section of restaurant. (1991/92)
• Running Faggot--A song about a folk hero. (1989)
• Rusty--Rusty likes seniors. (1988)
• S&M Pair--Fetish couple tries to decide where to eat. (1990)
• Sarcastic Guy--The guy who can't help being sarcastic. (1989/90)
• Salt Confiscator--"Security guard" complains about hoopla. (1989/90)
• Scar Shaped Like A Swastika--He could make into a man running... (1991/92)
• Scene Written in Haste--The mistacks are reale. (1994)
• Scott: Drag Revolution--Miss Ross has a gun! (1991)
• Scott: Dream--Scott tells of his dream about what if Kids in the Hall taped in L.A. (1994)
• Scott: English--The guy who speaks English wishes everybody did (1990)
• Scott: Faggo--What's frightening about the word "faggot." (1991)
• Scott: Homo Alone--What gay boys wear when they're home alone. (1991/92)
• Scott: Spring--The guy who loves it. (1990)
• Scott Clones Himself--Parts 1 and 2--Scott's double misbehaves. (1991/92)
• Scott's In Love--Individually, they're misses. Collectively, they're the perfect man. (1991/92)
• Scott's Not Gay Anymore--He's sure he's sorry. (1991)
• Scott Isn't Really a Waiter--About playing a waiter and "Shitty Soup."(1989)
• Scott Loves Someone In This Room--Oh, and he's also gay and over thirty. (1991/92)
• Scott Talks With David, The Angel--David, in the form of Mark, appears to Scott. (1994)
• Screw You Taxpayer!--The bad sketch is a waste of taxpayer money. (1990/91)
• Serpico--An apathetic cop investigates a burglary. (1993)
• Sex Girl Patrol--A filmmaker's "very sexist" new film. (1993)
• Sexist Boss--Boss is obsessed with his secretaries' appearances (1994)
• Shark Hunter Brothers: Rite of Manhood--Two brothers differ on rites of manhood. (1989/90)
• Shelley Long--There's just something about ... Shelley Long (1990)
• Shitty Soup--It's awful; you'll love it. And "Scott Isn't Really a Waiter." (1989)
• Shoveling Coal--Shoveling fuel in the blackness. (1994)
• The Sixth Kid In The Hall--Jeff Berman/From last episode. (1994)
• Sick About Crime--He's a sick cop. (1994)
• Sick of the Swiss--He don't like 'em. (1989/90)
• Sid and Sharisse: I'm Charging You--They fight and cops are brought in. (1993)
• Sid and Sharisse: Pizza Shop Threat--Sid threatens a pizza place employee. (1993)
• Sid and Sharisse: Stay Down--Sid keeps coming back for more. (1991/92)
• Sid and Sharisse: Too Small To Love--Sid wonders aloud if he is too small too love. (1991/92)
• Sid and Sharisse: Wedding--They decide to give 'er. (1994)
• Simultaneous Phone Calls--didn't ring, and yet... (1989)
• Singing Cheater--Cheating man sings a song in a western bar. (1990/91)
• Sizzler Sisters: Bank Hold-Up--Actually, they want to make a desposit. (1991)
• Sizzler Sisters: Insane Lounge Singers--Sizzler sisters' lounge act. (1990/91)
• Sizzler Sisters: One Insane Person--Jerry began taking the medicine. (1991/92)
• Sketch Comedy--A definition. (1989)
• Sketch with Just a Middle--Kevin's writing contribution to that week's show. (1989/90)
• Skoora, The Gentle Shark--He has the teeth, but not the heart. (1989)
• Slo-Mo--A guy talks and acts in slo-mo to trick his friend into leaving. (1994)
• Small Talk in Bed--Of big orange bags, muffins and sexual tapes. (1994)
• Smoking Your Son's Pot--Nina's friends show their response to discovering their son's stash of pot is ... to smoke it. (1993)
• Somebody Doesn't Like You--There's someone who doesn't like Dave, uh "Ken." (1994)
• Soup de Jour--Part of Censored Sketches/From last episode. (1994)
• Special Sauce--They ran out of sauce and await word from the Chosen One. (1994) • Speech Impediment--It's not his fault that he pronounces differently. (1990/91)
• Spot, the God--Who names her God "Spot?" She meant dog... (1991/92)
• Stereo Bargaining--He'll give ya a dollar for it. (1991/92)
• Steps: 555-JERK--Butch, Riley, and Smitty at home. (1994)
• Steps: Cause of AIDS--Liz Taylor might have had something to do with it. (1994)
• Steps: Coming Out--The guys discussing coming out to their parents. (1994)
• Steps: Cute Little Pig--Sketch 1 of Lesbian and Gay Pride Day sketches. (1994)
• Steps: Drag Queens & Leather People--Sketch 3 of Lesbian and Gay Pride Day sketches. (1994)
• Steps: Gay Marriage--They discuss some issues. (1993)
• Steps: Lesbian & Gay Pride Day--All three parts. (1994)
• Steps: Protest--Sketch 2 of Lesbian and Gay Pride Day sketches. (1994)
• Steps: Who's Hot and Who's Not--They guy-watch from the steps. (1993)
• Stinky Pink--Fran's friend Barbara explains to her son about her separation and new hair color. (1989/90)
• Stray Businessman--Kid brings home a stray. (1989/90)
• Street Singers: Loser Research Foundation--The receive visitors. (1991/92)
• Street Singers: Still Have Their Dignity--But, do they have food? (1994)
• Street Singers: Street Singing--The street singers sing on the street. (1991/92)
• Surprise Party--Nina from Joymakers makes a surprise party at A.T. & Love. (1989/90)
• Surrogate--He steps in and performs oral sex on men. He's like an angel. (1993)
• Tammy: Ain't Gonna Spread For No Roses--Tammy's music video. (1993)
• Tammy/Buddy: Introducing Tammy--Tammy meets the press. (1991)
• Tanya at a Party--Tanya annoys people at a party and doesn't know when to leave. (1991/92)
• Tarzan--KITH may have lost their edge, but they did it for money. (1993)
• The Tattoo--He's got one. She's okay with it; she's a modern woman. (1994)
• Teddy Bear's Picnic--The sloppy narrative, the non-believing son, and the all-too-believing wife. (1989/90)
• A Terrible Lounge Act--Horrible lounge act sing a song. (1990/91)
• Terrier Song--Lyrics to the terrier song. (1991/92)
• Test Tube Baby--Oh, he's not bitter about it. (1994)
• Thanks, Hitler--Accepting an award, a woman mistakenly thanks Hitler. (1990/91)
• That's Right Einstein--Einstein is mocked. (1991/92)
• Theo the Teacher--Theo the cool teacher confides to his class. (1990/91)
• Things To Do--He's gotta keep on top of his life and schedule. (1993)
• Thirty Helens--All the 30 Helens Agree skits. (1989/90)
• Thirty Second Stories: Magnetic Joe--He's attractive to many things. (1990/91)
• Time--A woman misinterprets a request for the time. (1991)
• Time Flies--...whenever he is without his wife. (1994)
• Timmy--Timmy tries to console his mother and father. (1989/90)
• Touch Paul Bellini Contest Winner--The winner touches Bellini. (1990/91)
• A Trial Where Nobody's Guilty--They say they're not guilty and the judge trusts their word. (1990/91)
• Try It NOW!--Maybe the uh spark plugs aren't firing. (1993)
• Tucker: The Mouse--It's just a mouse. (1991)
• Tucker: Ultimate Security System--This car isn't exactly protected by Viper. (1994)
• Tube Top of Justice--The story of the tube top of justice. (1990/91)
• Twenty Minutes of a Life Lost--A modern day Rip Van Winkle. (1993)
• Two Brothers and a Sister--The drunk brothers come over at 3am. (1989/90)
• Tyrone Bibbins, Esquire--He's writing letters because he'll be dead soon. (1991/92)
• Uncouth--Two women catch a cyclops eyeing himself in the mirror. (1994)
• Visit From Santa Claus--Screw you and the deer you rode in on. (1993)
• The Waiter With Stumps For Hands--He used to be The Waiter With Hands For Hands. (1994)
• Wanna See a Dead Body?--Man shows his girlfriend a dead body in a field. (1991/92)
• Wedding Speeches--Parts 1-3--Three toasts, that are less than perfect. (1991/92)
• Weekend With Daddy--One day they'll look back at this as the happiest times of their lives. (1994)
• Weird Plastic Surgeon--He's gradually turning his assistant into a rat. (1993)
• Weston Esterhazy: 1972--Macbeth movie dream casting and Burt Reynolds. (1994)
• Weston Esterhazy: Confidante to the Stars--Apparently, Weston has a copy of the Rob Lowe video. (1989/90)
• What?!--Man wonders aloud about the look his wife gives him. (1991/92)
• What If Guy--Man runs through possibilities of how to deal with people. (1991/92)
• What is the Fat Man Doing Across the Road?--Any time is a good time to break into song. (1989)
• Whole Lotta Milka--Can't fix the car without a whole lotta milka. (1991)
• Whores: Date--The whores try a joke. (1994)
• Whores: Drumming Up Business--Great sex, at a bargain. (1994)
• Whores: First Time--Or so he told Joycelyn. (1994)
• Whores: Johns with No Money--Magic beans and clocks in lieu of money.
• Whores: Old Boyfriend--He obviously misses her. (1994)
• Whores: Movie Producer--The girls on film. (1994)
• Whores: Movie Star--Who they pretend to be when working. (1993)
• Whores: Picture With a Hooker--Damn tourists. (1993)
• Whores: Porno--She got to keep the donkey. (1994)
• Whores: Price List--Higher prices to make them high class whores. (1994)
• Whores: Rap Music--They're all ho's, but they're not. (1994)
• Whores: Rudy's Birthday--They want him to shut up, so he can hear the radio dedication to him. (1993)
• Whores: Rudy's Mom--She's so proud of her son. (1994)
• Whores: Sock Puppet--For nervous johns. (1993)
• Whores: Transvestite--Are you one? (1993)
• Whores: Undercover--The whores smell the cops from a mile away. (1993)
• Why Did They Have to Take the Word Gay?--What was wrong with pervert? (1991)
• The Wig Shop--Mr. Mann tries to keep secret that he's bald. (1991/92)
• The Women-Lovers--The men who love all women. (1989/90)
• Yacky Kid--He'd be a great dad, but his kid wouldn't be a yacker. (1994)
• Yes Dear--Man with nagging wife and parrot. (1990/91)
• You Scuzzy Piece of Filth!--He dialed wrong. (1994)
• You've Gained Weight--A reunion. (1994)
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Kids in the Hall Skit TranscriptsMarch 24, 2005: I have been asked by BV to post this (although you will note on transcripts themselves there's already a disclaimer crediting BV and KITH on every transcript)... Although these are NOT actual scripts but are, instead, fans' recollections of their favorite sketches, please be reminded that the copyrights to the scripts and the shows, themselves, are owned by Broadway Video, Inc. Therefore, these materials may not be duplicated, published or exploited in any way.And the Kids in the Hall too, yes? If you honestly thought any of these transcripts were taken from the physical paper scripts, I don't know what you were smoking... but enough of that... Random Transcript | Search Transcripts | List of All Transcribed Skits If you know what season the show comes from, it is recommended that you seek out the transcript using the season episode guides. This list is a list of all transcripts in alphabetical order, but the skit titles are not official. Skits of a recurring character are preceded by the character name. Browse below or search the list.
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