Transcribed by:Cast- [depending on album version or Saturday Night Live version. Either way, same dialogue.][Voice-Over: On the street; maybe a bookstore. Someone bumps into someone, playfully.]
- Bruce- Stalker
- Janeane Garofalo[SNL] or Shannon McGaw[album]- The Stalked
Bruce: You again!
Woman: Are you following me?
Bruce: Why no. I'm stalking you.
Woman: Oh, really?
Bruce: Yeah.
Woman: The neighbors have been saying there was a man with a slightly crazed, yet focused demeanor standing for a long time in my hedge, neck pivoted to my window.
Bruce: Yup. That's me!
[Both giggle]
Woman: Well good.
Bruce: Great.
Woman:...well it's good to finally meet you.
Bruce: Nice to finally meet you.
Woman: So, how you been?
Bruce: Oh pretty good, you know-- same old, same old.
Woman: I guess you're not gonna ask me how I've been cuz you've been watching...
Bruce: ...I've been watching you.
Woman: Right.
Bruce: A lot...
Woman: So whatcha been up to?
Bruce: Oh ya know, not too much. The stalking keeps me pretty busy. And actually I've got a bit of a cold right now cuz it's really lousy weather for... stalking.
Woman: Can I ask you one question?
Bruce: Shoot.
Woman: Why *are* you stalking me?
Bruce: Because you are the one. You are the unspoiled virgin bride. You are the blond canvas on which I will paint my future. Don't you remember? You smiled at me once in a croissanterie. We never spoke; we didn't have to. You chose me. Now I stand outside your window waiting. I stand there and when you go to sleep I become calm. I can feel my heartbeat slow down, and beat...just...like...yours.
Woman: [giggling] Ohh! I get it; perfectly clear.
Bruce: Yeah, anyway.
Woman: See ya.
Bruce: Well, happy shopping.
Woman: See ya. Thanks and happy stalking.
Bruce: Thanks. Nice bumping into you.
Woman: See ya around.
Bruce: Hey you changed your answering machine code, eh?
Woman: My co...my code? Yeah. I have...I have to get going now cuz someone's waiting just to...
Bruce: Oh, okay. Sure. Really? Cool. Nice meeting ya. That went well. Yeah.