Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison, except "Bragging Aliens" transcribed by Trista Lycosky
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl. She is red-haired and freckled.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna know something?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. Well... Beethoven's Fifth Symphony was inspired by Beethoven's Fifth Orgasm.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[Behind her, we see a large four-poster bed. Mark, as Beethoven, is lying on top of some woman whose legs are sticking up in the air. We see him making some thrusts and panting as Beethoven's Fifth Symphony plays in the background.]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's true! It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl. She is red-haired and freckled.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna know something else?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. The Queen of England doesn't know her ABC's anymore.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[Behind her, we see Scott as The Queen of England.]
Scott: (singing) A-B-C-D-X-P-Q
R-X-Y-V...[Scott pauses and looks off to the side and waves royally.]
Scott: Hello! (pauses) R-P...
[Scott pauses again, shrugs and starts singing "Rule, Britannia"]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: Sad, eh? She's old! It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods.][The It's A Fact Girl jumps in front of the camera and into a close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion. When she stops, Scott as The Queen of England leans over in front of the camera and smiles as she addresses it.]
Scott: Hello. When I was a little girl, if a child was born with red hair, she was considered irreparably evil and drowned as a witch. It's a fact!
[Setting: A Dock][The It's A Fact Girl and Scott, as The Queen of England, walk along a dock, as 'Rule Britannia' plays in the background and the end credits roll.]
Scott: Ah. That's more like it. Let's you and I take a lovely plod along this walkway, shall we? Oh what a lovely day for a walk! Oh, look over there at that one!
[Scott gestures a boat.]
Scott: Just like the one Phillip and I sailed on our first trip to the New World. You have such lovely hair. Especially for a demon. I love to swim. Do you love to swim?
[A sailboat with a rainbow sail passes by in the background.]
Scott: Oh, look at that. How insane. Isn't that interesting? I can smell the salt in the air (garbled) freshwater. Oh look at those birds... nasty birds. Poop on your head, they will if you don't watch it. Oh look. (motorboat passes by in background) One of those motorboats.
[The two reach the end of the dock.]
Scott: Oh, here we are... at the end.
[Scott turns to face the girl. He is holding something in his hands.]
Scott: Now, I want you to hold these lovely trinkets... Yes! Rocks... and hold them in your hand 2... 3... 3 rocks. Aren't they lovely?
[Scott starts to make motions off the edge of the dock.]
Scott: Now.. jump in! C'mon. There we go. Into the water! Please? There's candy at the bottom. In we go! C'mon! For the Empire! Do it for Mother England! Come on!
[The credits end and we go to the Broadway Video logo. As we do, we hear a loud splash in the background.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl. Besides her is a man.]
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. My Uncle Tony can spit real far. (yells back) Okay! Go!
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[There is a drum roll as the man in the back jumps up and down a bit and moves his upperbody in a motion similar to that of a baseball pitcher going into his windup.]
[An audible spitting noise is heard. Several seconds later, a gob of spit splatters across the camera lens.]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: Ewww.. gross. He's a very lonely man. It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna hear something else?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. The Bigfoot has a beautiful singing voice.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[We see a Bigfoot, who starts singing Opera.]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: (sobbing a little) Wasn't that beautiful? It's true! It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods.][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl.]
It's A Fact Girl: Hey, you know what?!
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. My neighbors have been in love for 45 years.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[We see an elderly woman and Mark, as an elderly man. The woman is giggling like a school girl.] Mark: Your legs drive me crazy.
Elderly Woman: (giggling) Stop it!
Mark: Your ARMS drive me crazy.
Elderly Woman: (giggling) Stop!
Mark: Your smile always drove me crazy.
[The woman continues to giggle and swings her purse at Mark playfully. But the weight of her purse combined with Mark's inability to stand upright unaided (he has a cane) cause him to be knocked down by the playful blow.]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: 45 years of love. Of course the booze helps. It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna hear something?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's a fact. Super intelligent life forms visit the earth regularly to brag.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[We see Kevin and Dave, as aliens, dressed up in silver lame suits with white gloves, boots, and scarves, and wearing flesh colored skullcaps.]
Dave: You're aware of course that we're super intelligent, aren't you? I mean look at our big foreheads.
Kevin: You know why they're so big? Cuz we have big brains. And we have super intelligence
[The two giggle in a rich/snooty sort of way. The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: Pretty stuck up, eh? It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna hear something?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. You CAN get blood from a stone.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[We see a man, unsuspectingly sitting there. We hear a sound like a rubber band being stretched and then a thwunk, as a rock comes flying from Stage Right and hits the man in the head. Blood squirts out of his head as he falls down.]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: You just have to throw it hard enough. It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna hear something else?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: My uncle has been acting REAL weird since he lost his job. It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[We see a man, wearing black and red bra, panties, stockings and a garter belt.]
Uncle: Go ahead. Laugh! Have some fun. I suppose you're ashamed of me?
[The man clutches his stomach and looks very hurt and upset.]
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: I guess people just deal with stress differently. It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see someone who is dressed like the It's A Fact Girl, but is much taller.]
Mark: Hey! Wanna hear something?!
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the figure runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. It should be noticed that the figure doesn't move as fast as the normal It's A Fact Girl. The figure gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is his face.]
Mark: It's a fact. The Fact girl wants more money.
[Mark ducks down very quickly.]
[We see the It's A Fact Girl along with her lawyer - "Murray"]
It's A Fact Girl: No, no, no, Murray! YOU'RE my lawyer! YOU tell them. I don't do another sketch until I get triple scale. That's it! I'm done! Go. Go!
[Murray doesn't so much as blink in the face of the angry girl.]
[Mark jumps back up into her close up.]
Mark: Yeah, so... it's a... it's a fact, right?
[Mark pauses a bit and then looks to the right of the camera.]
Mark: Which way do I go?
Off Camera Voice: Back there.
Mark: Running?
Off Camera Voice: Yeah.
[Mark runs back into the woods, in sped up motion, for few paces. He then grabs his side and starts to walk, eventually stopping.]
Off Camera Voice: Go! Keep going!
[Mark tries to run some more, moving as his slower "stitch in my side" pace. He eventually stops and leans against a tree.]
Off Camera Voice: You've got to go further! Keep going!
[Mark continues to speedwalk until he is back far enough.]
Off Camera Voice: Okay! Good!
[Setting: A Tree-Filled Field in the Woods][In the back of the shot, we see the It's A Fact Girl.]
It's A Fact Girl: Wanna hear something?
[Thanks to the magic of film editing, the girl runs up close to the camera in a matter of seconds along a very jerky path. She gets very close to the camera so that all we can see is her face.]
It's A Fact Girl: It's A Fact. If you don't clean your ears properly, you pay for it later.
[The It's A Fact Girl ducks down very quickly.]
[We see a young boy who appears to have small trees growing out of his ears. A doctor, Mark, cuts at the branches with a pair of scissors, causing an audible noise of pain everytime he cuts.]
Mark: Dirt-tea Boy. (snip) Dirt-tea Boy. (snip) Dirt-tea Boy. (snip) Wash your ears, ya dirty boy!
[The It's A Fact Girl jumps back up into her close up.]
It's A Fact Girl: Yeech. You really need to spend two to three hours daily on cleaning your ears. It's A Fact.
[The It's A Fact Girl runs back into the woods, in sped up motion.]
[Not transcribed. It's in the same episode as "The Importance of Cleaning your ears." Anyone got it?]