Girl Drink Drunk

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: an anonymous donor
Cast:

[Scene takes place in a bar. Dave and Kevin are sitting at a table.]

Kevin: Ray, I guess you're wondering why I asked you here tonight. [Dave nods] Well, the board had a little meeting today and unless my eyes deceive me I think I'm facing the new vice-president in charge of distribution! Congratulations Ray!

[Kevin and Dave shake hands]

Dave: Thank you Mr. Barnes.

Kevin: Please. Call me Russell. Let's celebrate with a drink!

Dave: Oh uh I'm afraid I don't drink, Russ.

Kevin: Grown man like you Ray?

Dave: Well I've just never liked the taste of alcohol.

Kevin: Oh come on Ray. What about a Chocolate Choo Choo? It's a girl drink. Tastes like candy. [in low-pitched voice] Don't disappoint me Ray.

Dave: Okay uh, sure Russ. I'll have a... Chocolate Choo Choo.

Kevin: Great! I hate to drink alone. Can I have a Chocolate Choo Choo for my friend please and I'll have a scotch-and-soda!

[Dave gets and drinks Chocolate Choo Choo. Caption: "GIRL DRINK DRUNK". Background music. Kevin smiles. Dave has three more drinks. Kevin orders another scotch-and-soda for himself. Dave has fourth drink. Cut to Kevin and the waitress laughing and standing behind the chair where Dave's sitting and laughing.]

Kevin: I think I did! Hey dear soldier, huh Ray? [to the waitress] Another Tahitian Tihi(?) for my friend the vice-president!

[waitress goes to get drink]

Woman W: Choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo.

Kevin: And waitress, this time no giggling.

[Dave has five more drinks. Fade to Kevin and the waitress leaning against the bar.]

Kevin: Waitress, could my friend have another Bourbon Bugs' Blood?

Woman W: Will he need a fresh bib?

[Kevin and the waitress look at Dave - who's sitting at the table wearing a bib and holding a glass - then at each other and nod yes. Waitress goes to get drink. Footage of Dave running. There's a black background behind him. As he runs, some of the things that travel across the screen are bar signs and calendar dates. "The Zim Zam Club", "July 8", "The Pig and the Poodle", "July 11", "Mai Tai Joe (?)ung's", "Boozeteria", "July 14". Fade to Dave sitting on an office chair with his head and arms flopped on the desk in front of him. In one hand he holds a paper umbrella.]

Man: [shaking Dave's shoulder] Ray. [music stops] Ray. Are you okay? Is uh, [Dave lifts his head and looks up at the man] is anything wrong?

Dave: No I'm, I'm... I'm fine. I just have to-- I've just gotta [throws umbrella behind him]... I've just gotta go get some paperclips.

Man: [smiling] Okay.

[Cut to view of two women. One of them is standing and holding some papers in her hand. The other is sitting down at a desk.]

Dave: Morning ladies! [view of Dave standing near a door with his hand on the knob] I'll just be in here if anyone should... need me.

[Opens door, enters room, closes door. Background music. Turns on light. From inside jacket he takes out a liquor bottle, a piece of coconut and a shredder which he places on a desk. Music stops. Outside, the two women hear noise coming from the room.]

Woman S: Are you okay in there Ray?

[In room. View of electric mixer mixing liquid.]

Dave: I'M FINE! I'M JUST LOOKING FOR PAPERCLIPS!

[Starts looking through a pile of papers on the floor. Finds paper umbrella, opens it up, puts it in the glass containing his drink and drinks. Cut to Dave exiting the room.]

Dave: Everything's all right. [closes door] I found them. [pats with right hand the left top pocket of his jacket]

Woman S: Ray, Mr. Miller would like to see you.

Dave: Really? [secretary nods yes] That's excellent. I'll just get some more paperclips first. [opens door, enters room, closes door; noise of electric mixer]

[later, the secretary is holding up a drunk Dave in Kevin's office's doorway]

Dave: Russ. I hear you wanted to see me.

Kevin: Have a seat Ray.

Dave: Pft. Sure.

[Moves away from secretary, tries to move toward chair in front of Kevin's desk, falls down, gets up, goes to chair and sits. Secretary rolls eyes and leaves closing the door behind her.]

Kevin: Would you like a drink? [smiles and walks to his office bar]

Dave: Yes Russ. I'll have a Squash Strawberry Alley Cat if you don't mind.

Kevin: [at his bar holding a liquor bottle and a glass in his hands] Gee Ray I... don't think I know that one.

Dave: Well it's really quite simple Russ. You simply take twelve large strawberries chopped, three ounces of dark rum and a...

Kevin: [puts bottle and glass back on shelf] Good God.

Dave: ...splash of creme de menthe...

Kevin: Coming. Coming.

[Later. Kevin is at bar finishing up Dave's drink.]

Dave: ...shake gently and pour.

Kevin: [hands Dave glass containing drink] Here you go Ray.

Dave: Ooh. [takes drink] Thank you Russ. [starts drinking from straw]

Kevin: Ray, I'm sorry to have to tell you this [sitting down in his chair] but you missed a whole week's work.

Dave: But I can 'splain.

Kevin: No Ray. No 'splanations necessary. It's your drinking. It's got outta control. Let's face it Ray: you're a girl drink drunk. We've gotta let you go.

Dave: Tsk.

Kevin: But you know Ray, [puts feet on desk and arms behind head] I can't help feeling responsible for your condition. But then, I can't help not caring. It's who I am and I refuse to apologize for it. [takes feet off desk and arms from behind head] NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE before you start throwing up... little fruity things.

Dave: Fine. [puts glass on Kevin's desk and gets up] But you know, you're not the only cardboard packaging company in town.

Kevin: Yes we are Ray.

Dave: Oh? [Kevin nods] Oh *well*. [background music as Dave makes his way to the door]

[Clips of Dave talking to bartenders at various bars. The bartenders all nod 'no'. Behind each bartender there is a sign with the bar's name: AL's Place, Jake's Place, Place de Pierre. Fade to boy running. In his background there is a building with a sign that says "ICE CREAM", "POP CORN" alternately. The boy stops near Dave who's sleeping on the grass in front of a tree.]

Kid: [kicking Dave in the butt] Hey mister! [Dave lifts himself and props himself against the tree] Here's your milkshake.

Dave: Ah.

Kid: Thanks for the ice cream. [hands Dave milkshake and runs away]

Dave: Aah. Thanks kid.

[Music stops. Dave takes out a straw from front jacket pocket and puts it in milkshake cup. Background music starts. Puts cup on ground. Takes out liquor bottle from inside jacket and pours it into the milkshake. Puts liquor bottle on ground. Picks up cup and drinks from straw as he slides down against the tree out of view.]

Kevin's V.O.: "Tastes like candy Ray. It's a... girl drink."

[Caption: "THE END". Music stops.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video