The Cause of Cancer

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by:

Dave: Hi, uh . . . my name is David Foley, and uh . . . . [pause due to applause] thank you. . .thank you very much. That's very kind of you, very kind of you. Uh . . . I was just wanting to . . . uh , tell you about something that's happened. . . uh, during this week of rehearsals, something we sort of came across, something, well . . . we, sort of, discovered. Um, uh... and certainly nothing we ever expected to do as a comedy troupe, and I'm sure it's nothing you, as a comedy audience, ever expected to hear from a comedy troupe. Ok, here it is... uh, we discovered the cause of cancer. [laughter, applause] I guess, uh, the [stammering] best thing to do is to just bring Bruce out here. Bruce, are you there? Bruce McCulloch, ladies and gentlemen. Bruce McCulloch.

[applause as Bruce wanders out on stage, waving to the audience]

Dave: Bruce has something that he'd like to say to everyone. Go ahead, Bruce.

Bruce: Hi.

Dave: Go on, Bruce.

Bruce: Hi.

Dave: Just do it, Bruce. Come on. [The two of them argue slightly]

Bruce: OK, you asked me. . .

Dave: Well, just do it. . .

Bruce: Fine. I'll do it . . .

Dave: Just go.

Bruce: Dave Foley, ladies and gentlemen.

[applause]

Dave: No, just do it, Bruce. You're wasting a lot of time. Bruce McCulloch would like to say something.

Bruce: I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. [laughter] I didn't realize it was such a hideous disease.

[more laughter. Dave looks bewildered]

Dave: [angry] I suppose you think that makes it, OK? 'I'm sorry I caused all that cancer. . .' you don't even sound like you mean it, Bruce.

Bruce: Dave, you asked me to apologize and that's just what I did.

Dave: I'm sorry. Well, in rehearsal you sounded like you meant it, it sounded like you were actually remorseful about what you had done, but this was pretty, pretty lame, Bruce. I think you should apologize like you really mean it.

Bruce: [hurt] Fine, David. I'm sorry I caused all that throat cancer and all that bowel cancer. I was just on a roll . . .

Dave: . . . and?

Bruce: and I won't do it again.

Dave: Thank you, Bruce.

[applause]