Kevin: The Martin Short Show (October 1999)

Opens with a sketch

(we see Kevin and another player eating Chinese take-out at desks in an office)

Kevin: I hate this, chained to my desk instead of going out to lunch.

Guy: It's good Chinese food, though.

Kevin: Yeah, I guess, if you're into REALLY good Chinese food. (Takes bottle of juice, uncaps it and appears shocked) Oh my God. Oh my God. I won.

Guy: What, what? What'd you win? What'd you win?

Kevin: I won a t-shirt! For the first time in my life I won something. Yeah!

Guy: That's great!

Kevin: You know it is! Yeah! T-shirt coming my way! Look out, world! Whoo-hoo! (Runs over and open boss's door) Hey, boss, just popped in to say "Sayonara, sucker!" You heard me right. I don't need your crummy job because I am a winner!

Boss: Snyder, you got a lot of nerve!

Kevin: Shut up your face, fatso! And by the way, you're bald and I'm a winner!

Guy: You know, Thad, it's not like you won the lottery, or anything. It's just a t-shirt.

Kevin: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh... Jealous! Jealous! The green-eyed monster rears its ugly head! You can lie awake tonight and dream about the t-shirt you'll never have! In your face! Size: medium! Cost: free!

Guy: Wow. Wow.

Kevin: Wow is right. I'm a winner. I'm a winner. (Runs out of office) I'm a winner! (Runs out a door and knocks over an old lady with groceries. Starts to help her up) I'm terribly sorry. I'm a winner! Are you alright? I'm a winner! (drops her back on the ground and skips away, holding his bottlecap high) I'm a winner!!!—

End of sketch.

(Cut to Martin Short in interview chair)

Martin: And now, please welcome one of the funniest Canadians working in comedy today: Kevin McDonald.

(Music: "Having an Average Weekend" Kevin enters and shakes Martin's hand. He is wearing a grey suit, blue shirt and red tie. His hair is very short and he's wearing glasses. He nods to audience, starts to sit down, then takes a bow. Starts to sit down again, then takes another bow. Martin forces him into his chair and the music stops. Kevin tries to look comfortable and crosses his legs.)

Martin: Well, first of all–

(Kevin seems to panic, then crosses his legs the other way and immediately calms down. Martin laughs.)

Kevin: Sorry.

Martin: Sorry! How are you?

Kevin: I'm fine, thank you.

Martin: It's Canada Day here today.

(Audience applauds. Kevin salutes them.)

Kevin: O Canada! (He looks scared by the applause)

Martin: A fellow Canadian. We go way back. Do you remember when we first met?

Kevin: Yes I do. I don't know if you do.

Martin: Yes I do, but I wonder if you do.

Kevin: Yes I do. I don't know if you do...(smiles) Um, we met at the, uh, Juno Awards in Canada. That's Canadian for "Grammy". Grammy Awards.

Martin: Yes.

Kevin: Yes and your friend Paul Schaefer was doing it, and, um, we met at a bar that night. My friend Norm and I were writing for them and, uh, we had drank tea all day, Norm and I, so during the bar every five minutes we had to excuse ourselves to go pee and I remember once in the washroom Norm said "Do you think Martin Short thinks we're kissing?"

Martin: And I did, actually.

Kevin: And we did, so it was okay. (Gives the black power salute to the audience) Canada!

Martin: I, uh, you know, Kids in the Hall is, without question, one of the funniest things to come out of Canada. Since the hockey puck, really. (Kevin laughs) And, and, uh, you did many hysterical characters on that show but one was the, uh, King of Empty Promises.

Kevin: (nods) oh, yeah.

Martin: Which I loved so.

Kevin: Well, thank you very much.

Martin: Would you do a little of this character for us tonight?

Kevin: (turns toward audience) Well, the King of Empty Promises is a guy who always makes empty promises. It's based on me. I'm really like this. (Martin laughs) And he would go around, someone saying "Oh, would you tape that album for me?" and I would go (in Dean voice) "Will do." (Martin laughs) And the next day I would go to work and the guy would say "Do you have the tape?" and I would say (in Dean voice) "Slipped my mind."

(Martin Short laughs, but the audience doesn't, really. Kevin shrugs.)

Sorta like that. Canada!

Martin: Canada! (Applause) And, by the way, we have a celebrity in the audience today. The late Lucille Ball's punk grandson. Can we get a shot of him there?

(We see a kid in the audience with dyed pink hair.)

There we go.

(Kevin laughs)

You just never know who's gonna show up.

(Kevin shrugs, laughing)

It's always a mystery. Hey! I hear you have some exciting news.

Kevin: Yes, I do have some exciting news and it is about the Kids in the Hall. We're having a baby. (Laughs)

Martin: (laughing) Really?

Kevin: No. Uh, we're planning, uh, we're in the stages of, we're planning a reunion tour. A tour of the Kids in the Hall.

(Audience goes wild)

Martin: Oh, finally.

(Picture of the Kids from "Brain Candy" flashes on the screen)

Kevin: Yeah.

Martin: You're touring. What does that mean? Do you open for KISS, or something?

Kevin: We open for KISS. We go around, uh, from city to city and we, uh, we play. Now we only play like two and a half weeks at a time, but we're not like the Black Crowes. (Laughs) We, uh, we get very sick after the first week. We lose our voices. We turn white. We throw up a lot. And we don't even do drugs or drink. We're just unhealthy boys from Canada. (Smiles)

Martin: Well, I can't wait to see that. Are you going to come down here?

Kevin: Yes, we are going to play Los Angeles. Uh, knock on wood. (Knocks on the coffee table. Martin does the same.)

Martin: I'll be there.

Kevin: Yes (nods) I'll get you seats–

Martin: Front row center, with all my posse!

Kevin: (Nods and laughs) Yes.

Martin: And you also have other exciting news.

Kevin: Yes, I also have some other exciting news. I've just finished filming something that I'm very excited about. It's a sequel to an earlier, previous piece of work. It's actually a sketch. One of my most famous sketches. Um, I don't know if you would know this, Marty, uh, h-how do I describe this? It's a sketch where, um, I work in an office and I open a bottle cap and I've found that I've won a t shirt?

Martin: Yes, I know that sketch. I know that sketch well.

Kevin: Yes, and, I don't want to be presumptuous--you're the boss, I'm just an employee--but, I brought a clip from the sketch.

Martin: Well, I'd love to see the clip.

Kevin: Yes.

Martin: Can we show this clip?

Kevin: Yes, please.

(They sit back to watch. Cut to scene of same office as before. Other guy is at his desk, Mary Sheer is at Kevin's desk. "1 1/2 years later" flashes across the bottom of the screen)

Mary Sheer: You did order lunch, right, Skutch?

Guy: Yeah, like an hour ago. I'm trying this new place.

Mary: Mistake. (Kevin enters in a scruffy t-shirt and jeans, carrying bags of take out.) Oh, here he is. Thank you for getting here before sundown. It's just my lunch.

Kevin: I'm sorry, mamm, traffic was a bit caught up.

Guy: Thad?!

Kevin: Oh! Hello, Skutch!

Guy: Hey, how you doing? What's it been, like, a year, year and a half?

Kevin: Year, year and a half...

Guy: Well, you look great.

Kevin: Uh-huh.

Guy: It was the day you got that t-shirt, told the boss to take a flying leap, right?

Kevin: (Smiling) Oh, this t-shirt here? (Pulls at the t-shirt he's wearing)

Guy: Yeah. Sweet.

Kevin: Yeah. Yeah, it is sweet, Skutch. I got a lot of mileage out of this baby. Super comfortable. Color fast. Cotton blend. Everything you're looking for in a t-shirt. HOWEVER, it might have been a TAD bit hasty to quit the way I did.

Mary: Is this the guy you were telling me about?

Guy: Yeah, old Thaddie.

Kevin: Yeah, old Thaddie. That was me. Say! What do you think my chances are of talking the boss into giving me the old job back? Ten to one? Seven to one? Four to one?

Guy: Uh, like, a million to one...

Kevin: Million to one, eh?

Guy: Yeah, it's weird. Mildred here got your old job.

Kevin: (Laughs) Oh, no.

Guy: Yeah.

Mary: (Shakes Kevin's hand) Hi. Mildred.

Kevin: Hi. Thad.

Guy: See, the boss sold the company and the irony of it is...we were bought by (gestures at Kevin's t-shirt) Snarpple.

Kevin: (laughing) Oh, goodness, no.

Guy: Yeah and (pulls out brand new t-shirt like Kevin's) we get free t shirts.

Kevin: (smiling) No!

Mary: Yeah, every Friday.

Kevin: OH yeah?

Mary: Yeah.

Guy: I mean, do you want a t-shirt? We got boxes of them.

Kevin: No thanks. I won mine. I'm a winner. Won my shirt. I'm a winner. Once a winner (walks over to window and climbs up on the file cabinet) always a winner. (Crawls out onto ledge) Hey, birds, can you show me which way is down? (Jumps) I'm a winner!

Mary: Winner? Try loser. (Uncaps juice bottle and looks shocked) I'm a winner! I'm going on a long trip! Things are finally looking up! (Runs out of office) I'm a winner!

Guy: Wow.–

End of sketch, return to Martin and Kevin in interview chairs—

Martin: (laughs) Very, very nice clip. That was a nice clip.

Kevin: (looking upset) That--that wasn't a clip.

Martin: What? What's the matter?

Kevin: Oh, no, Marty, that wasn't a clip.

Martin: What's wrong?

Kevin: That was the whole darn sketch! That was the whole sketch! You showed the whole sketch!

Martin: Well, I–

Kevin: My career's ruined! I had a premire, a big premire...celebrities were coming! Dorothy Hammil was coming!

Martin: Oh, you just calm down. (Tries to comfort Kevin but he pulls away)

Kevin: I had a big -- (Martin tries to calm him again) No!!! (Kevin jumps up) I brought a clip and –

Martin: ( jumping up after him) Kevin!

Kevin: You showed the whole sketch!

Martin: Kevin, please! (Tries again to comfort him. Kevin leaps away)

Kevin: Don't touch me!

Martin: (grabs Kevin's arm) Kevin, please!

Kevin: Don't touch me! (Breaks away) Stop! (Runs off the set)

Martin: Kevin! Kevin!

Kevin: No! No!

Martin: Don't go away mad! (Sighs) I hate it when they go away mad. (Returns to seat) Alright, up next (we see Kevin run past backstage, screaming) Mr. Larry Gelbart. Please stick around.

Credit to The Martin Short Show

Contributor

•  Kara Czarnecki